


of all the voices in my head, the silent one is mine

by cacowhistle



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, but then there are happy things!, eventually, good polyamorous relationship by the end, i write a lot of sad things, michael's gonna faint, mute!Jeremy, sad things, trans!michael as well, will feature rich in heels at some point trust me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2018-10-30 15:23:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10879596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cacowhistle/pseuds/cacowhistle
Summary: After the SQUIP incident, Jeremy has lots of issues. Too many to count, really. He isn't sure how to handle them all - but with a new group of friends, and a mended friendship (or maybe more than friendship, he's not sure yet), he thinks he should be fine.For a few days, anyways. And then things go to shit.





	1. 1.

Things had been going well. Nobody had flipped their shit since the SQUIP incident, and Jeremy was doing fine. Sure, he occasionally heard whispers in the back of his mind, and sure in the middle of class he would break down crying, but he wasn't going to admit that it had gotten to him more than he had expected. He was fine. He was always fine.

Just had to… be a little more chill, right?

God, the whole thing had been a disaster. He fucking despised that voice - couldn't bear thinking about it. Jeremy felt awful about everything, no matter how many times his friends (he had friends) told him it wasn't his fault, it was that awful thing that did all the nasty shit - it wasn't him. Nevertheless, it still made him crazy with anxiety. He would often zone out in class, thinking about all the ways he could horribly fuck up that day, and would end up in the nurse's office, trying to calm down and calling for Michael or Christine or Brooke or Chloe or somebody. But it was fine. Only a week after getting out of the hospital, and he'd collapsed twice in school already - once in the middle of class, and the other time in the hallway.

But that didn't matter to him. He was walking home with Michael that day, and he wasn't going to think about horrible things, no matter how tempting it was to fall into that pit. He was going to be positive! He was going to think happy things with Michael! He wasn't going to think about how he could hurt him, how he could abandon him again on accident, how he was terrified that Michael was going to just disappear from sight - no, he wasn't going to think about any of it.

He was going to walk home with Michael, and enjoy it.

It certainly was a beautiful day. The two of them walked side by side, down the street, Michael jumping over the cracks like a child. The silence was practically unbearable - or at least it was to Jeremy. He hated silence, hated how his brain filled up with memories of voices to break the silence. He could hear the taunting in the back of his mind - he had to distract himself before it got worse.

"Um. Hey." God, what was he supposed to say, honestly? 'This silence is awful and I need to talk to you about all of my problems to make it better'?

Michael cocked his head, eyes on the cracks still as they walked. "What's up?"

Why was his throat so dry? He was just - making conversation. "I'm. I'm still really sorry. About everything. That happened. I was such an ass, and you still came and saved me, and - I'm really grateful, but I don't - I didn't deserve rescuing, Michael. I was awful."

Not how he wanted the conversation to go. But Michael seemed to take the heavy subject in stride, easily dismissing it with a wave of his hand. "Aw, man. Don't go dragging the mood down out in public. We can talk about that stuff in private, so you aren't stressing about it." He met Jeremy's eyes, and Jeremy stared into his. "Besides, you're wrong anyways. We're best friends. I wasn't leaving you to die or get controlled by some computer. It wasn't you, Jeremy. None of this was your fault."

He was going to cry. Jeremy sniffed, shuffling a little closer to Michael - wanting a hug, or something comforting. What he got was the sensation of being swooped into the air, Michael nearly tossing him over his shoulder. He gasped as the wind was knocked out of him, and he hung over Michael's shoulder, arms dangling. It was almost embarrassing.

"Michael - !" He squeaked as the other hoisted him onto his shoulders, cheeks flushed with laughter.

"Hold on, probably for dear life but I'm not too sure." Michael flashed a grin up at his friend, charging down the sidewalk. Jeremy's grip on Michael's shoulders tightened, the two of them laughing as Michael leaped over obstacles, sprinting full speed.

The scenery went by in a blur, the wind whipping past Jeremy's face, in his eyes - sharp and jabbing, slashing at his cheeks. It sort of hurt, but Michael looked thrilled to be sprinting with Jeremy on his back. As long as Michael was happy, Jeremy was happy too. For the most part, that was.

"M-Michael, slow down!" Jeremy protested as Michael sped up, grinning. They were causing quite a scene, two high school boys charging down the street - or rather, one charging down the street like a wild buffalo, the other planted on top of his shoulder's like a hunter. A couple freshman had taken out their phones, filming the scene.

"Michael, we're being filmed!"

"Flip them off or something!"

Jeremy glanced at the freshman, then shrugged, flipping them off as Michael had suggested. The two of them started giggling, and thankfully they had slowed down as they neared Michael's house. Michael was almost out of breath anyways.

"I can get down, man." Jeremy leaned forward, resting his head on top of Michael's. He shook his head.

"Absolutely not."

Michael fiddled with the door for a moment, shaking his key around. It wasn't helping. Jeremy reached forward, trying to help, but Michael hit his hand away. "No no, I got this."

Jeremy sat back, eyebrows quirked. "You sure do 'got this', Michael."

"Shut up."

Another minute, and then a click. Michael pulled out the key, turning the knob of the basement door. He entered the house, ducking as he walked inside. Jeremy was pressed against Michael so his head didn't hit the doorframe as they went through. He sort of wanted off now.

"Michael. Can I get down? At some point." Jeremy peered down from his perch on Michael's shoulders, and Michael just laughed.

"Yeah, sure, at some point. You're stuck here forever." He tilted his head back to meet Jeremy's eyes, his own shining in the dim light.

"Michael put me down."

"Make me."

Jeremy's hand dug into Michael's side - right in the vulnerable spot. Michael squealed, nearly throwing Jeremy off his shoulders and onto the floor - but catching him before he hit the ground. "Gotcha."

Jeremy stood up, stretching. "I got all cramped from crouching on your shoulders. God, man. You and your tiny shoulders."

Michael rolled his eyes, basically falling onto the beanbag chair in front of the TV. "Whatever, Jer. Come on, let's do something."

Jeremy sat down - a little slower than Michael had, a little more careful, not hunched over or slouched either - sitting up straight. "Like what? No offense man, but we've played every game you own. Shouldn't you get new ones?"

Michael waved his hand. "Nah, fuck that. Old games are the shit."

"Old games _are_ shit."

A beat of silence. Jeremy frowned. "... Honestly, I have no idea where that came from. Just kind of instinctively said it."

Michael snickered. "True friendship - saying things you don't actually believe just to piss off your friends." He leaned forward, grabbing a few different games and flipping through them, trying to decide. "Hm. We beat Apocalypse of the Damned. What's next?"

Jeremy leaned back, laying on his back and folding his arms underneath his head. "Can't we just, like, talk for once? Like, I love playing the games with you, but talking is good too. Right? Just for a little while."

Michael leaned back, peering at his friend. "... Sure. Anything specific on your mind? Or is this just you wanting to find out all sorts of secret things about me?"

Jeremy laughed a little, punching Michael's arm. "I already know all your secrets."

"Do you now?"

"Mhm."

Jeremy cleared his throat, rubbing it. "Jeez, I don't know if I'm just getting sick or something, but my throat is really sore. Maybe I should go home."

Michael opened his mouth to protest but then paused. "... So the SQUIP didn't like, do anything to your throat, right? Because when he talked through you it sounded awful, so maybe that did something? Are you okay?"

"Dude, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me relentlessly." Jeremy grinned, and Michael sat back, sighing.

"Okay, okay. I'm just kinda paranoid that it might come back or something." Michael ran a hand through his hair, fiddling with a controller. "Y'know?"

Jeremy nodded. "I mean, sort of? I don't worry about it that much, now that I think about it. Besides - why do y-" He shook his head. "Wow, okay that was gonna be really mean if I kept going. Um. Sorry."

Michael squinted at Jeremy, the way he did when he was suspicious, or nervous. Jeremy rolled his eyes.

"What, you think it's not me right now? Oooooh spooky, the thing is coming baaaaack, look my hand moved on its ooooown."

After teasing his friend, however, he did look down to make sure he was in control. His hands curled into fists and he took a deep breath. "Okay, let's play something."

Michael watched him with concern for a moment, then shrugged and turned around, picking a random game and putting it in. Jeremy snatched up his own controller, his hands gripping it a little too tightly as if he were trying to make absolute sure it wouldn't slip from his hands. The two played for a minute or two in silence, but then Michael began whining about the silence and so Jeremy began shooting snarky comments whenever he did something stupid.

"Real smooth, man. Haha, oh my God." He snorted, rubbing his eyes. Michael giggled, then shoved him.

"We can't all be great at everything."

_We could._ The thought lingered in his mind for longer than necessary. He fell silent, getting a little distracted - only for Michael to snap him out of it by waving his hand in his face.

"Yo. Earth to Jeremy. What are you thinking about this time?"

Jeremy shrugged. "How do you know I was thinking about something?"

Michael gave him a look, one eyebrow raised. He'd mastered that look back in seventh grade. "You kind of go still when you think. Like, extensively. Or when you're focused on something. And I know you aren't focused on something right now." He yawned. "Point is, something is on your mind, and I'm going to dig it out of there if it kills me, end of story. And now start of the story for you, what're you thinking about?"

Jeremy sighed. "You're persistent. I dunno, I'm just kind of - thinking about all the… SQUIP stuff, that's all." Michael's face creased in worry.

"Like, specific parts of it, or just in general, or -" Jeremy cut him off.

"Some specifics. Mostly just. It." He swallowed - oh shit, was his hand shaking?

"Hey, dude you're okay. Here, let's move onto something less traumatizing." Michael had crawled over to him, head in his lap - back to the clingy friend he'd been before the whole mess. Jeremy raised an eyebrow, looking down at the other boy - who just grinned up at him. "So how's Christine?"

"OOF -" Michael yelped as Jeremy shoved him off his lap, leaning back - a little too stiffly - groaning. "God, Mike. One day. One day without personal questions."

Michael just giggled, grinning up at him as he rested comfortably against Jeremy's knee. "Seriously man, how is she? Is everything good between you two? You haven't talked about her much."

Jeremy shrugged, playing with Michael's hair. "She's good. We're good. Not as much in common as we thought we had, but things are good." He frowned. "Although, I don't know how long we're gonna last anymore. I thought I like, really liked her, but now that we're dating it's just - I don't know. I'm… considering breaking it off."

Michael frowned as well, squinting up at him. "Really? Huh. Thought you two would be great for each other, really." He shrugged. "Whatever makes you both happy, man. Chris is like a puppy - she'll be disappointed for a few minutes and then be happy again. You know how she is. Besides, if you both aren't feeling it, maybe she'll be perfectly fine with it."

"Feeling it? What… Michael, what is that supposed to mean?" Jeremy gave him a look of mild disgust, and Michael burst out laughing.

"That's _not_ what I _meant_ , Jeremiah Heere get your mind out of the gutter." He giggled, covering his face. "Since when did you make jokes like that."

"Since I started hanging out with Rich and Chloe and Brooke." He shrugged. and Michael just snorted.

"Anybody would after hanging out with Rich. I'm surprised Jake hasn't started." He sat up. "OH, speaking of - I heard that Rich is gonna ask Jake out. Which means I'm not the only kid in this school who's not straight - which I mean, that wasn't the case before, but like in our grade, it kind of was. I'm not gonna go talk to some little kids, thanks."

Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Who'd you hear this from? If it's anybody other than Jenna then I don't believe it."

"It was Jenna."

"Of course it was."

Michael shrugged. "I'm just passing on important information."

Jeremy frowned. "Since when was this considered 'important information' to us? Was it when we started hanging out with all of them? Because I'm willing to completely ignore their dating lives, honestly. I don't wanna know about the shit they get into."

Michael tilted his head. "Yeah, I get that." His eyes went to Jeremy's posture - since when did he sit up so straight and perfectly?

Ever since the SQUIP, he knew that.

"Anyways, I bet you and Christine will work things out. You're good at that. Trust me. Besides, what does it matter if you two break up? It's high school! Nobody really cares about this shit then - it's only a little later in life when you're desperate and lonely in college and have isolated yourself! Then you go find a girlfriend! Or boyfriend, I dunno." Michael grinned, and Jeremy just kind of stared at him.

"... Are you okay? Because that's like, a concerning statement to make. Please don't isolate yourself when you get to college."

Michael rolled his eyes. "I'll try not to. You have to make an effort to visit me, though."

Jeremy laughed a little. "Yeah, as if we're going to different colleges. We have to go to the same one, man."

Michael shrugged. "We can try."

The conversation began to dwindle as the two of them started yawning - but neither of them wanted to go to bed. Jeremy kept saying that he wasn't tired, _he was fine_. Sleeping just wasn't a fun thing for him anymore, if he was being honest, but he wasn't going to say so to Michael.

Eventually, Michael did end up standing up and nearly falling over, and that's when they called it quits - it was only eleven, the earliest they'd gone to bed in months. They both crawled into Michael's bed - Jeremy didn't want to go home, he wanted to stay in that house forever. Michael was out within minutes, snoring softly (and drooling on the pillow).

It was a different story for Jeremy. He continued to move around, unable to sleep. He would turn from one side to the other, trying to get comfortable - but nothing would work. He used to fall asleep the moment his head hit the pillow, and then he would cling to Michael's arm for the entire night - but now, sleeping was a futile quest.

He was exhausted, but every time his eyes closed they would snap open again, as images and memories flashed through his mind, as that _voice_ whispered in the back of his head, still taunting him. Sleeping wasn't an option, he decided that around one in the morning.

He quickly wished it was, as he felt awful - like there was something tearing apart his throat. Michael stirred next to him as he sat up, but didn't wake. Damn it, why did he always get sick in the middle of the -

No, something was off. The pain had subsided, and now there was just a… tingling, in his throat. He swallowed, eyes darting around in the darkness, trying to see if there was anything there - but now it was just him, and that feeling in his throat and that feeling of wrongness that hit him like a wave.

"M-Michael." He managed to croak out, and Michael stirred again, this time sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Mm? What's up?"

He wanted to answer, wanted to say something was very wrong, but as he opened his mouth, the only thing that came out was silence. The tingling had turned to a soreness, and he coughed, trying to say _something_ , but nothing came out. He whined a little, and Michael moved to hug him - but then the soreness in his throat turned to a burning.

It felt like there was a fire in his throat, burning him from the inside out. As if he was being shocked by that _thing_ , when he said or did something wrong.

He tried to speak, to say anything. Michael was staring at him, worried. "Jeremy?" He'd put on his glasses so he could see him.

He tried to get something out, convey the pain he was in. His voice just wouldn't come. He wanted to yell, or something. He wanted it out. Out of his head. It was there, wasn't it? It was there and it wasn't going away. It was taunting him - was it in control? Was it the one who could speak? He was terrified, one hand against his throat, trying to coax some sort of sound out.

Eventually, Jeremy found his voice. It was hoarse, but he found it.

And he couldn't stop _screaming_.


	2. 2

Jeremy opened his eyes to blinding white light. Did he die?

His eyes adjusted to the light, and the room was... small. He was in a (sort of uncomfortable) bed. A place that wasn't Michael's house. Where was he? It clicked after a moment - the hospital, he was in the hospital. The memories of last night came rushing back rather suddenly. The pain in his throat. The feeling of wrongness. He searched the room with groggy eyes. Michael. Where was-

"Jeremy!" The voice was unnaturally loud, piercing the quiet atmosphere of the hospital room. 

Jeremy winced, trying to say something, to tell Michael to quiet down, but nothing would come out. Michael kept talking, not noticing.

"I thought you were like, dying or something. You scared the shit out of me, man. You wake me up at midnight and then start screaming like someone is tearing you apart. You woke up my parents, and then I had to call your dad, and basically everyone has been worried sick, and - oh, I should text your dad that you're up."

He fumbled with his phone for a moment, then put it down, looking up at Jeremy to start talking again, only to stop at the look on Jeremy's face.

"What? Am I being annoying?" A fierce shake of the head told him no. He frowned. "Is everything… okay? You're not like, in pain or anything, are you?" He was definitely worried now.

Jeremy rubbed at his throat, trying to speak again, but no words came out, just a quiet hiss of air. He was getting frustrated with Michael, who didn't seem to get it. And then, a moment later, a look of realization hit him.

"Oh. Uh. Can't talk?" He tilted his head, frowning. Jeremy nodded. 

He leaned back, looking a little nervous. "As in like, hurts to talk, or like, can't make any noise at all?" Jeremy held up two fingers - the second one.

"... Oh. I feel like I should call someone in." Another fierce shake of Jeremy's head.

And then Michael realized that Jeremy was shaking. His breathing had sped up considerably, the only sound from him being quiet gasps for air. Shit, he was crying. Michael scooted forward. 

"Hey, it's okay, Jer. It's okay. You're gonna be fine." He winced as Jeremy reached up, putting his head in his hands, fingers curling into his limp hair. Michael realized what Jeremy was thinking, pulling his hands away from his head. "Jer. Look at me."

Jeremy obeyed without a second thought, then flinched, mouthing the word 'sorry'. There were still tears streaming down his face, and Michael wanted to do nothing but hug him, and keep him safe forever and make sure nothing ever hurt him again. It wasn't his fault, none of this was his fault, but he wouldn't ever believe it. He wouldn't ever believe a word Michael said about it.

"Jeremy, it's gone. You're okay. It's gone. This isn't something the SQUIP did... was he even capable of taking away your voice?"

Jeremy nodded, and the sight made Michael's blood run cold. So, if it was something the SQUIP could do… did that mean it was back already? It had been a week since Jeremy got out of the hospital last time, and they were already having issues with the damned thing again?

No, it had to be something else. "It's not the SQUIP. We got rid of it. This is just some medical issue. Maybe a side effect of the whole ordeal, but it's not the SQUIP directly. We can fix it, don't worry." Jeremy heard the buzz of Michael's phone, and Michael picked it up.

"... Your dad's on his way. He should be here in a couple minutes." Jeremy was still shaking, silently crying. Michael hated the sight.

"Come on, it's okay. You're good, man. You're good." He rubbed Jeremy's back, trying to calm him down.  Jeremy latched onto Michael's arm, his grip tight and desperate. Michael pulled him into a hug, and Jeremy sobbed into his sweatshirt silently - he really couldn't make a sound.

Michael pulled away after a moment, and Jeremy reached for him again, eyes wide and filled with tears. He didn't want Michael to go. He wanted to say as much, and opened his mouth, trying to force the words out, but they wouldn't come.

The door opened, and Jeremy flinched as it slammed shut again, but it was just his dad. Not that  _ thing _ , playing with his mind. 

"Hey, kiddo." His dad sat next to him, head tilted slightly. He glanced up at Michael. "How are both of you doing?"

Michael shrugs. "I'm fine. A little shaken, but I'm good. He's…" He glanced at Jeremy, who stared back. "He can't talk, for some reason? I dunno. From how he's acting, I don't think he's doing so well." That earned a scowl from Jeremy; he tried to convey the message with the look he was giving Michael.  _ Don't talk about me like I'm not in the room. _

"Can't talk as in it hurts to talk? Or as in physically cannot make a sound?" Jeremy wanted to get up and leave, as this was boring to watch and listen to when he couldn't participate in the conversation.

"Physically can't make a sound. He's tried. Multiple times." Another dirty look is shot Michael's way.

Jeremy definitely wanted to leave. He was fine, just - didn't have his voice, that was all. He attempted to get the message across, but the other two didn't get it at all. He was getting frustrated. He searched the room - surely his phone would be here, right? He glanced at Michael, then nodded at his phone.

"... You want my phone?"

He shook his head, then pointed at himself, and then the phone. Michael blinked a couple times, then got it. 

"Oh! Yeah, I have it. Here." He took Jeremy's phone out of his pocket, handing it to him. "Oh. Yeah, you can still write and stuff. So we can still talk. That's good."

Jeremy made a face - texting all the time wasn't his idea of a good conversation, really. But it was a good temporary solution.

[txt -- Jeremy] Okay, yeah. This'll work for a while. Question, when do I get to leave? I'm not sitting in the hospital for another three days.

Michael read over the text and then grinned. "Well, nothing's wrong with you. I don't see why you'd need to stay. You've already been here for a day, anyways. Everyone came by yesterday to see how you were doing."

That was nice of them. Jeremy could admit that. His dad stood up. "I think we're all set to go today, actually. So, do you want to come home, or do you want to go to your second home, which is Michael's basement?"

Jeremy rolled his eyes, holding up two fingers. The second one. His dad nodded. "Sounds good."

The ride home was long and silent, but Jeremy and Michael were texting away in the group chat about the situation. Michael was doing more of the texting, and Jeremy would chime in every once in awhile.

[michael] so yeah he can't make any noise and now he's glaring at me from where he's sitting oh boy

[jeremy] dude, you can let me explain my own medical problems at the very least.

[jenna] god, that must suck. i can't imagine being unable to talk.

[jeremy] oh. i forgot you were in this chat. jenna, please don't parade around town telling people that i can't talk. i'd prefer not having people stare at me as i walk past. it happens enough.

[chloe] i'll keep her in line.

[michael] yeah and ill deck her if she doesn't so

[jeremy] sure you will

[michael] oh i totally could

[rich] fight fight fight. or kiss. one of the two. both would be interesting to see.

Jeremy covered his face with a hand, a silent groan slipping out.  _ Come on, Rich. _

[rich] i can't help it! i know you're glaring at your screen with that look, tall ass.

[jeremy] you definitely can help it - look now michael's dead. you killed him. he's buried his face in the seat and now he's dead.

[jenna] sounds like a you problem

[chris] Woah what's going on?

[jenna] christine!!

[chris] Hi Jenna! What are we talking about?

[michael] jer is mute now

[chris] … What?

[jeremy] god DAMMIT let me tell people on my OWN you insufferable ASS

Jeremy punched Michael in the arm. The other yelped, rubbing the spot with a scowl on his face. 

"Meanie."

_ You asked for it.  _ He mouthed the words.

Michael rolled his eyes. "Asshole."

[jeremy] anyways the point is either you're all gonna learn sign language or im just not gonna communicate with anyone ever again

[jenna] michael is he doing finger guns now

He grinned at Michael, shooting him the finger guns since Jenna mentioned them. Michael rolled his eyes again.

[michael] he just did them.

[michael] anyways im willing to put in the effort to learn sign language

[michael] sounds like itd be cool

[michael] and then face to face conversations wont be as awkward!! woo!

[michael] oh shit we're home

Jeremy sat for a minute, trying to force some sort of sound out, but nothing would come out. A sharp twinge of pain in his throat made him cough, which just hurt even more, the cough ripping through him. He didn't hear Michael calling for him, asking what was wrong - he was hunched over in the seat, one hand on the seat in front of him to steady himself, the other hand on his throat as he coughed. God, it  _ hurt.  _

"Jeremy. Kid. You good?" His dad was rubbing his back, and Jeremy nodded, panting - now his throat was even more sore than it had been.

"Sorry this all happened, kiddo." His dad stood up, and Jeremy slowly followed, one hand still against his throat.

_ It's not your fault.  _ He tried to convey the message, and his dad seemed to understand. 

"Alright. Go have fun with your friend. I'll see you tomorrow."

He followed Michael to the basement door, the two of them entering the room. It had been left the way it was the night before. Michael turned to Jeremy, still looking concerned.

"You good?"

He nodded.

"Want anything?"

He paused, frowning. Water would be nice, but how could he get that across? He really didn't want to just resort to texting for everything, but it kind of called for it.

[jeremy] water or something?

Michael nodded. "Got it. You stay down here."

Jeremy watched him go, then fell backwards onto the bed, only to arch his back as his body twisted, mouth opening and no sound coming out. He sat up again, perfectly straight, gritting his teeth. He was glad his voice was gone when  _ that  _ happened. He lifted his shirt a bit, looking at the scars that spiralled around his chest and sides, that ran down his spine. He had to be careful, or else they would hurt.

The SQUIP had made a lasting impact, whether it had meant to or not. It probably had, but Jeremy didn't want to think about that right now. He wanted to sit, and do nothing. And possibly sleep for a million years. That would be a good option, too.

He laid down again, this time much more carefully. He pulled out his phone, texting the group chat.

[jeremy] so what has everyone else been doing while i found out i can't speak anymore

[chloe] it was mostly us listening to michael freak out

[rich] yeah he was insanely worried about you

[rich] it was kinda cute lmao

[chris] God, you guys. Don't be mean to him!

[jeremy] it's just rich, don't worry about it chrissie.

[brooke] awww, is somebody jealous?

[chris] Who, me?

[brooke] yea u

[chris] No! I'm worried about Jeremy, and if he's in a bad spot right now then Rich shouldn't be mean to him!

[rich] learn to take a joke

[chloe] ok, tone it down a bit rich. now ur goin into asshole town.

[jeremy] thanks, christine. also i could beat up rich any day.

[rich] oh you wanna fight

[rich] i would win

[rich] we both know this

[chloe] my bets are on the loser

[jeremy] … Don't call me that.

The chat fell silent, and Jeremy sighed. He'd done something wrong, hadn't he. That was why they had all stopped talking.

[rich] yeah okay. how bout your bets are on the chill guy

[jeremy] ugh, that word's been ruined for me as well. god, can't do anything these days without thinking about the whole ordeal.

[rich] don't worry bout it man. we're all good.

[brooke] do you guys talk??

[jeremy] … yeah??

[brooke] no i mean like. private conversations. because you two had the things longer than any of us so like, it was even worse than ours. right?

[jeremy] … huh. we haven't, really, no.

[brooke] well, maybe you should

[brooke] i'm sure you both could use it

[michael] UGH

[jenna] oh boy, here's mr snarky

[michael] sorry jer ill be down in like five min

[jeremy] what did you do

[michael] uhhh

[jeremy] do i need to come up there

[michael] NO i made a mess sorry

[michael] sort of

[michael] that time of the month

[michael] and i wasn't prepared

[jeremy] … take your time

[chloe] i know it's part of life and all but can't you say these things in a private chat.

[michael] nope you get to know all about my personal life.

Jeremy silently giggled, rolling his eyes. Michael couldn't care less about privacy most of the time - and conversations like these happened often, so he didn't really care.

[jeremy] just hurry up my throat is killing me

[michael] please don't start coughing again

[michael] oh shit i can hear you

He'd started again, the twinge in his throat starting the coughs up. They were definitely loud, that was for sure. He bent over, shoulders hunched and hands curled into the blankets. It  _ hurt.  _ What the hell happened to make his throat hurt this much? It didn't seem… normal.

He finally stopped a few minutes later, only to realize Michael had rushed down the stairs, bottle of water in hand. "You good?"

He was panting again. He opened his mouth to say yes, only for him to close it again and nod. Michael handed him the water.

"You're welcome." He sat next to Jeremy, and leaned on him. "So, you seem to be doing a little better than earlier."

Jeremy nodded, slowly drinking the water. Hell, it hurt to just drink things. Eating was going to be hell.

"Well, we should figure out a better way than texting for communication.  Like, I dunno - I'm willing to try sign language."

Jeremy shrugged. He did know a little bit - and by a little bit, he only knew the alphabet. But he could learn! Right?

"Somebody just got the determined face. I'm going to assume that you're going to learn sign language now simply because I mentioned it."

Jeremy nodded, then yawned. He had slept a bunch in the hospital, but he was still tired. Fear sort of kept him from falling asleep then and there - what if the SQUIP came back, or what if just…  _ something  _ happened. He was too scared. He probably wasn't going to sleep well ever again.

Michael could see the exhaustion in his eyes, however, and flopped down on the bed next to him. "You can take a nap. I can tell you're tired."

Jeremy wanted to protest, but the lack of his voice worked against him. He nestled into Michael's side, almost immediately latching onto his arm. He wanted to say something, anything, but he was falling asleep, and besides, he didn't have his voice anyways. Michael didn't seem to care, just pulled him closer.

"Just sleep, buddy." He mumbled into Jeremy's hair, listening as his breathing slowed and he began to sleep peacefully for the first time in weeks.

God, he was awful.

Jeremy was dating Christine, and then there was Michael, pining for his best friend, who was straight, and in a relationship, and god he was just so,  _ so awful.  _ He had his suspicions that Jeremy was most likely  _ not straight _ , but he had always said otherwise, and so Michael had to just listen.   
He always had to listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL THE FEEDBACK IVE BEEN GETTING JKSDHFKS FIND ME ON TUMBLR @ CACOWHISTLE.TUMBLR.COM OR MIICHAELHERE.TUMBLR.COM


	3. 3

Sunlight streamed through the windows, waking Jeremy up. He squinted, rolling onto his side to look at his clock. Only to find that it wasn't there.

Oh, right. He was at Michael's. Speaking of, where was he?

Jeremy sat up and looked around the room, but Michael wasn't there. Well, he clearly hadn't left the house - the television was on, and he had been playing a video game. He must've gotten up to do something else. He wanted to call for him, but he didn't want to start coughing again. That hurt like hell.

He sat, frowning. Didn't they have school? Why were they still here? Why did Michael let him sleep?

"He rises! Morning, figured you wouldn't want to go to school today. It'd be kind of frustrating." Michael flopped down on the bed, looking up at Jeremy with wide eyes. "We need to figure out communication anyways."

Jeremy nodded, looking down at Michael, who was sprawled across the bed, head resting in his lap. He reached for his phone, typing out a message for Michael.

[jeremy] i mean, i do know some sign language. just the alphabet, and also thank you. that's it though. so we could start there?

Michael read the text, then nodded. "Yeah, okay. Cool. Show me what you know."

For the next couple of minutes, Jeremy slowly went through the alphabet. Michael would repeat the signs, and Jeremy would nod if it was good or shake his head if it was wrong. It took him about an hour to almost get the alphabet down. Jeremy then showed him the sign for thank you - and Michael copied him.

"Alright, cool! I'm gonna forget half of that in twenty minutes!" Michael grinned, standing up. "Do you want anything? I'm gonna run upstairs and get something to drink - or like, make breakfast or something."

Jeremy started shaking his head, eyes wide. Michael giggled. "I'm not gonna burn down the kitchen, if that's what you're worried about."

Jeremy just sighed, then fingerspelled the word water. Michael squinted, repeating the signs himself, and then nodded. "Okay. Water. Gotcha."

Michael went up the stairs, fingers tapping against the railing. He kept practicing the signs with one hand, stopping once he got to the letter P.

"Fuck, what the hell is that one…?" He muttered under his breath as he dug through the fridge, grabbing a water bottle. He stopped to look around the kitchen. He could make something. Maybe some toast, or like, french toast or something.

French toast was much fancier than normal toast.

He began to get to work. His friend was sick (well, kind of), and probably hungry, and now Michael had a mission to complete.

About ten minutes passed, and as Michael was taking the french toast off the griddle, he could hear footsteps. He glanced at the basement doorway, it was Jeremy, coming upstairs. He put the french toast on the plate he'd taken out, grabbing two smaller plates for the two of them, and then the butter and some syrup.

"I was gonna call you up, but I guess you beat me to it." He grinned at Jeremy, who had paused in the doorway as Michael was setting the plates down.

He dusted off his hands, glancing at the mess on the counter. "... Well, I made french toast. So. Food."

Jeremy raised an eyebrow, glancing at the food on the table, and then back up at Michael. Michael blinked back at him.

"What is  _ that  _ look supposed to mean?" He put a hand to his chest in mock offense. "Are you saying you don't believe in my culinary skills?"

Jeremy started shaking a little, and Michael jumped, thinking he'd done something wrong, only to realize a second later that he was giggling. It was a little weird, the silence, but it was also adorable, and Michael couldn't help but laugh as well.

He sat down, grinning at Jeremy, who tilted his head slightly and then signed 'thank you', sitting down.

"Aw, no problem man. Figured you weren't going to like… actually eat anything if I didn't do something and made you eat it, honestly." He slid the water bottle over to Jeremy. "And also here's your water. I probably should've delivered it before I made the french toast, but… meh."

Jeremy smiled at him - dear  _ god _ , that smile practically lit up the room in Michael's eyes. He smiled back, then nudged him. "Now  _ eat _ . And don't bullshit me with any of that 'I'm not hungry' crap like you always do."

Jeremy nodded a little, picking up his fork and slowly picking at the french toast. Michael could see him wince whenever he swallowed, and felt kind of bad - his throat probably hurt like hell. They ate in silence, which Jeremy found a little unusual, Michael never stopped talking when eating. He would be yapping on and on and on with his mouth full of something. Jeremy tapped the table, and Michael looked up at him.

"Yeah?"

Jeremy pointed at him, then signed the letters  _ O  _ and  _ K.  _ 'Are you okay?'.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Wh-" He cut himself off, shaking his head. "Nevermind."

Jeremy frowned, and Michael knew that he didn't believe him. "I promise, I'm fine."

He poked at his food for a moment before continuing to eat, and Michael watched him for a moment. Now  _ he  _ was worried. "I'd ask if there was something bothering you, but I imagine it'd be hard to respond right now. So… are  _ you _ okay?"

Jeremy looked up at him again. He went to nod, then paused, looking down at the table. He shook his head slowly, shrugging at the same time. He… wasn't sure? Michael was going to assume that was what that meant.

"... Okay. That's all I wanted to know. If you want to talk about it, you can always text me later."

Jeremy smiled at him, and Michael grinned back. Jer pushed back from the table, and Michael gasped in mock hurt. "You're not gonna finish the french toast? I  _ slaved  _ over that shit."

Jeremy just laughed as Michael leaned forward, taking the bit that was left and practically inhaling it. He then stood up and put the plates in the sink.

"Okay, let's go do something so we aren't just sitting around all day. Five bucks says I can kick your ass at Mario Kart."

Michael saw the glint in Jeremy's eye. Yep, that was a challenge.

Twenty minutes later, Michael was giving Jeremy five dollars, and Jeremy was cracking up. "Fine, fine, you win, I just - I haven't played in a while."

Jeremy went to say  _ 'Suuuure you have,’  _ only to start coughing after he tried. Michael jumped at the sound, grabbing the water from the bedside table and handing it over. Jeremy coughed again, reaching for the water. 

"Maybe you should give up on the whole trying to speak thing." Michael sounded a little more subdued, but Jeremy shot him a withering look anyways. Michael threw his hands up. "I'm just saying! It's doing more harm than anything, man."

He found himself falling silent, staring at Jeremy, who stared back. He seemed… upset? Michael wasn't sure, honestly.

He was shaking. Why was he shaking? He wouldn't be laughing at that statement, right?

Oh.  _ Oh.  _ Michael sat and stared as Jeremy started crying, only to move forward and pull him into a hug. "Hey, hey. It's  _ okay _ , we'll figure something out. We're trying, that's what matters. Please, please stop crying."

It was weird, Jeremy had always been a noisy crier. His sobs were always loud; he often wailed when he cried. To see him silently crying into Michael's sweatshirt was unsettling.

"Please, Jer. I hate it when you're upset." He gently rubbed Jeremy's back, trying to calm him down. 

Jeremy's hands were curled into fists, gripping Michael's hoodie. He continued to silently sob (getting Michael's sweatshirt all gross and covered in tears and snot). Michael continued to try and comfort him, but his efforts seemed to be in vain - Jeremy didn't seem to be listening.

When he did finally pull away, he was mouthing the words  _ "I'm sorry"  _ over and over again, and Michael could tell he was trying to speak, to apologize properly, for far more than just breaking down in Michael's basement. Michael hushed him (well, sort of), getting him the water he'd put aside as Jer started to cough from the effort he'd put into trying to speak.

They sat in silence again, and Michael finally took a deep breath and started talking. "We're going to figure this out. We could keep practicing with the sign language stuff? Or maybe look up some more?"

Jeremy nodded a little, climbing onto Michael's bed and opening the laptop. Michael flopped down next to him on his stomach, reaching over him to reach the keyboard. He hummed, frowning.

"What should we start with?"

Jeremy paused, he clearly hadn't put too much thought into what he wanted to learn next. He pushed Michael's hands off of the keyboard, searching.

"Oh, yeah. Manners are important, fair enough." Michael watched as Jeremy looked up the signs for "please" and "you're welcome".

Jeremy snorted, glancing at Michael with raised eyebrows. Michael pouted. "What's that look supposed to mean? I use my manners! … Most of the time."

Jeremy continued to laugh at him, and Michael rolled his eyes, clicking on the first result for the word "please".

"Alright, smartass, here. Let's see, use your goddamn manners now that you know them." Michael shoved Jeremy, who just laughed again.

They took a few minutes to get it right, and Michael kept doing it wrong on purpose - just to see that amused glint in Jeremy's eyes. Once he did get it right, the way his face lit up was even better. They sat, practically on top of each other, looking up more and more words as it began to get later and later.

"Pretty sure I won't remember half of that tomorrow morning." Michael yawned, laying back on the bed. "Okay, but what should we do for school?"

Jeremy frowned, then pointed at Michael.

"... Huh?"

He sighed, then pointed at Michael again, fingerspelling a word.  _ T-R-A-N-S-L-A-T-E _ .

"Ohhhh. Okay. Uh. I'd say yeah, sure, of course, but - we both barely know any, so it'd be hard for the both of us."

Jer just shrugged, as if to say that was the only idea he had. Michael tilted his head and stared at the floor, thinking for a moment.

"... I'm pretty sure they'll just give you nonverbal work, man. At least until you're comfortable with signing." 

Jeremy paused, then mouthed the words  _ 'that's fair',  _ which Michael took a moment to realize. He snorted.

"I thought you were mouthing like, small pear or something." He giggled.

Jeremy began to laugh as well, burying his face in his hands, shaking his head. Michael rolled his eyes.

"You'd be going  _ Michael nooooo  _ in that whiny voice if you could talk. Am I right? I'm right, aren't I."

He nodded a little, looking up and grinning at Michael. He then cocked his head, pointing at himself, and then the bed. It took about three minutes for Michael to realize what he was trying to say.

"You wanna stay here for the night? Just text your dad, man. I'm sure you can stay as long as you want." He smiled, then stood. "I'm gonna go get you more water, that sound good?"

Jeremy nodded as he pulled out his phone.

[jeremy] heyyy can i stay at michael's house for tonight

[jeremy] i mean i know i stayed last night but can i stay again

[parental figure] Of course you can, but I do want you to come home at some point tomorrow.

He hadn't noticed Michael watching over his shoulder until he spoke. "Why's he just 'parental figure'? Could've given him a cooler name."

Jeremy jumped, looking up at Michael with a slight scowl. Michael rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah.  _ That was meeeeean, warn me before you dooo thaaaaaat'. _ "

[jeremy] i dont sound like that thats you

Michael giggled. "No, you totally sound like that."

_ A-S-S.  _ He signed at him, then fell back onto the bed. Michael flopped down next to him, almost on top of him.

"Oooh you're warm. I'm freezing. Come here, space heater."

Jeremy rolled his eyes, shoving Michael off of him. Michael whined, pretending to shiver. Jeremy just sat up, giggling. His eyes then shot down to his phone, which had just lit up. A text from Christine.

[chrissie] Hey man!! You doing okay??

[jeremy] yeah, i'm doing good. hanging out with michael rn, we were just looking up some sign language stuff since we have nothing better to do.

[chrissie] Oh cool! What have you looked up?

[jeremy] just like

[jeremy] the alphabet, thank you, please, you're welcome. also water. and a few other things that i can't really remember.

[jeremy] i obviously retained so much information from that

[chrissie] I can tell. It's cool though, that you're putting the effort in!!

[jeremy] aw, thanks chrissie. hey, we haven't hung out just the two of us in a while, we should do that.

[chrissie] Oh, sure! I mean, I'd love to. But uh, maybe

[jeremy] … maybe?

[chrissie] Shit, hit enter too early. Nevermind. Let's hang out tomorrow afternoon?

[jeremy] yeah, sure. sounds good. see you then.

[chrissie] Hell yeah.

"You have never looked more uncomfortable in your life." Michael commented from where he was sitting. Jeremy glared at him, holding out the phone. Michael read over the conversation, frowning.

"... Are you… sure that you two actually…" He raised an eyebrow, and Jeremy just fell back onto the pillows with a silent groan.

"I'm gonna take that as a no. Dude, if things aren't working out, you really should just break it off before things get bad." He had  _ never  _ been in a relationship before, why the hell was he offering advice? 

Jeremy just shook his head a little, as if hesitant. Michael sighed. "Your choice, man."

They sat in silence for a moment, and Jeremy finally sighed, pulling out his phone again.

[jeremy] i might.

Michael quirked his eyebrows. "... What, break it off, or…?" He paused as Jeremy began typing again.

[jeremy] yeah.

[jeremy] it's just not working, y'know??

[jeremy] like i love chrissie but its more of a

[jeremy] love her like a little sibling thing

"... I get it. It's up to you, man, I have no say in what you do. I could try to influence your decisions, but that'd be kinda mean and controlling. And we both know how you feel about that."

Jeremy shifted uncomfortably at the words.  _ Yeah, definitely. _

"Sorry, shouldn't be bringing it up at all." Michael smiled apologetically, tilting his head. "Now, should we go to bed or keep looking up sign language stuff to forget in the morning?"

[jeremy] i would love to pass out right now, man.

A few minutes later, after they were laying in bed, Michael grabbed his phone.

[michael]  _ (draft)  _ i've been trying to figure out how to say this for a whi  _ (draft deleted) _

[michael]  _ (draft)  _ i have been hopelessly in l  _ (draft deleted) _

[michael]  _ (draft)  _ i love y  _ (draft deleted) _

[michael] night, man


	4. 4

It was so empty.

Pitch blackness surrounded him, practically engulfed him. He could feel a chill down his spine, down his arms and legs and coiled around his chest and sides. A freezing tingle, it felt so different from the sharp burn of the "spinal stimulation" the SQUIP would provide. At least, that was what it called it. Jeremy knew that it was bullshit, that it was just the SQUIP electrocuting him so he would obey.

He shivered as the chill spread across his entire back, and he cowered - something was very, very wrong.

His body moved on its own, standing up straight with his head cocked slightly. He wanted to scream for help, but no sound came out. Right, he couldn't scream anymore.

But then he did start speaking. Awful things poured from his mouth and he couldn't stop it, and when he looked down there was Michael, a sobbing heap at his feet.

He kicked him. He wanted it to stop, he didn't want this - but the awful words kept coming and he kept kicking. He could see blood, dripping from Michael's face. He wanted to wail, scream, cry, anything, but the sound wouldn't come.

He snapped awake, sitting bolt upright, his heart pounding.

Silence.

The only sound was his breathing, which in his opinion was much too loud for the silent house. The darkness pressed in, and Jeremy couldn't see more than a few inches in front of him.

He sat unmoving, staring into the darkness, crying.

He wanted to break the silence so badly but he could do nothing but cry. The quiet was agonizing, he couldn't bear it, he wanted to scream or sob or something. He wanted to wake Michael up, but he couldn't move.

He didn't realize his breathing speeding up, didn't realize how much he was shaking - he couldn't move  _ he couldn't move he couldn't fucking move please please move. _

He couldn't see, tears blurring his vision, making it even harder to see through the darkness. He was gasping for air, silent tears streaming down his face as that thing taunted him, mocked him.

He needed Michael where was Michael he needed Michael goddammit.

He wanted to move, to do something to wake Michael up. One shaky hand planted itself on Michael's shoulder, and he weakly shook him, only to withdraw and curl into himself a moment later.

But it had worked. A moment later, there was a muffled sound as Michael slowly sat up. Jeremy couldn't say anything, couldn't do anything. He needed to breathe he couldn't breathe. 

"Jer?" It was as if he were underwater, the sound just barely recognizable.

"Jer." It was more firm this time, but still muffled.

He needed Michael he needed Michael so goddamn much.

He felt arms wrap around him and pull him closer and it was like a switch had been activated. He went from unmoving to awful, shaking, silent sobs as he clung to Michael, crying into his shirt. All the while, Michael was rubbing his back, whispering things that he could barely hear. Comforting words.

What felt like hours was really only about twenty minutes, the only thing that was there that mattered was Michael. Jeremy kept trying to say sorry, kept trying to apologize despite the fact that he'd started coughing again, his entire body shaking as he sobbed into Michael's shirt.

His throat felt raw and sore, as if someone had scraped it clean with a butter knife. Michael continued to rub his back as he coughed, still whispering - but Jeremy couldn't hear the words. They were muffled as it was, but the coughing drowned out any other sounds.

Eventually, the coughing died down, and he was left shaking in Michael's hold. 

"Hey, buddy. You good?"

His voice was quiet. Jeremy managed a shaky nod, his grip on Michael's shirt tightening. He looked up through the dark of the room at Michael, who offered a sort of halfhearted smile. Jeremy tried to smile back, and Michael just pulled him into another hug.

"God, Jer, I hate it when you're upset. So fucking much." Jeremy blinked at how… upset Michael sounded.

He pulled back a little, looking Michael in the eyes - _ huh, he has really nice eyes both with and without his glasses _ \- and pointing at himself, signing.  _ O-K. _

Michael tilted his head. "You don't seem like it, man. Whatever you say. Or, like-" Jeremy shot him a withering look. "Okay, okay, sorry."

Eventually, the two had laid down again, and Jeremy was practically attached to Michael's arm.

Not that Michael cared. He was perfectly fine with this arrangement. He wrapped his arms around the smaller boy again, pulling him close.

"I'm here, you're safe. Just sleep."

Soon enough, Jeremy was asleep, his chest rising and falling slowly, evenly. Michael laid there, still awake, staring into the darkness. Thinking. Not a good way to pass the time, in his opinion. Because then he'd start thinking about Jeremy, and then he'd start thinking about how cute Jeremy was, and he'd start wondering what it'd be like to kiss him, and then he'd end up sitting there with his face in a pillow, screaming for a few minutes.

_ He's straight, you dumbass. And he's dating someone right now, so… don't bother. _

He'd been telling himself that a lot lately.  _ Don't bother.  _

He buried his face in the crook of Jeremy's neck, finally beginning to get tired.

"... love you, Jer." He murmured, knowing that Jeremy wouldn't hear.

He slept sort of restlessly, waking up twice. He woke up for the third time, craning his neck to look at his clock. 7:38 A.M.

And then he noticed Jeremy peering up at him with groggy eyes. He smiled a little, and Jeremy smiled back. 

"Mornin', you're like a fuckin' koala, did you know that? You would not let go of my arm."

Jeremy giggled, and Michael felt like he was going to melt at the sight. Okay, shelf the gay thoughts for now.

He sat up, and Jeremy stopped, staring up at him for a moment. He mouthed the words 'don't leave', and Michael could feel his heart shatter at how terrified Jeremy looked.

"I'm not goin' anywhere, mahal." At Jeremy's confused frown at the word, Michael rolled his eyes. "It means buddy." It's a term of endearment. 

Jeremy raised an eyebrow, but didn't do anything. Michael grinned. "You hungry? I could make something, again. Or like, go get something. We could look around town, see if there's anything good."

Jeremy lifted his hand as if to sign a response, then paused as his phone buzzed. He scowled, picking it up.

[rich] heyyyy you should come get breakfast with the SQUAD

[jeremy] please never say that again.

[rich] cmon please

[rich] im asking nicely

[jeremy] really? that's a first.

[rich] hey dont be an ass thats my job

[rich] cmon we can pick you guys up

[jeremy] one sec

He held up the phone, and Michael shrugged. "I don't see why not. Let's do it."

[jeremy] yea sure, we're up for it

[rich] sweet we'll be by in a few

[rich] gotta pick up brooke n' chlo first

[jeremy] she would kill you upon finding out you call her 'chlo'

[rich] thats why we arent gonna tell her.

[jeremy] suuuuure we aren't.

[jeremy] tell me what death is like i'm texting her now

[rich] do NOT

[rich] ok i gotta stop texting now ppl are yelling at me

[jeremy] seeya in a few

He put the phone down, getting up. Michael grinned at him. "So they'll be here soon?"

He nodded. Michael continued. "Sweet. I'm gonna go get dressed then."

Jeremy watched Michael leave the room, then got dressed - deciding to wear one of Michael's shirts instead, his needed to be washed.

"Is that mine? I think that's mine."

He jumped at Michael's voice, turning around, giving a slight nod, somewhat embarrassed. Michael just grinned, ruffling his hair affectionately. Jeremy felt his face heating up, and he shook his head a tiny bit, rolling his eyes at Michael.

"Keep it."

He blinked at the words, then smiled a little. _ O-K.  _

As if on cue, the two could hear a vehicle screeching to a stop outside, and the sound of someone yelling. Michael shook his head, pulling on his hoodie before practically dragging Jeremy out the door.

Waiting right outside was Rich, with Christine a few feet behind him.

"Fuckin' finally, we've been waiting for-" Rich paused, glancing down at the watch on his wrist. "- _ a whole two seconds. _ Can't believe you guys."

Michael just snorted, and Jeremy silently giggled. 

Rich threw his arm around Jeremy's shoulders, having to stand on his toes to do it comfortably. "He lives! He's finally going outside! After three days!" He grinned at Jeremy, who just rolled his eyes. "Okay c'mon, I'm starving."

Rich darted back to the van, a few people inside yelling as he tried to get into the driver's seat. Christine watched with mild amusement, then turned back to the other two.

"Hey, Jer. You doing good?" She smiled at him, and he nodded a little, taking her hand as they walked towards the car.

Michael followed, trying to ignore how much it stung. Upon getting to the car, they found Jake holding Rich by the waist, keeping him from getting into the driver's seat.

"Chrissie take the wheel, please take the wheel holy shit we won't survive if Rich drives us again- OW-" 

"That's what you get, asshole!" 

"You kicked me in the ribs! That hurt!" 

"You know what else hurts? Short jokes. I am being crushed under the weight of short jokes. That's why I'm so small."

Jeremy just slid into the car, avoiding Rich's flailing figure as Christine sat in the driver's seat, turning to face the rest of the van.

"Okay, boys, you're both pretty, stop fighting and sit down."

Rich narrowed his eyes. "Make me-"

"Richard Lewis Goranski we aren't going anywhere until you sit down."

"Jake!"

"Oho, pullin' out the full name card." Jenna tilted her head back to look at them.

Michael sat next to Jeremy, watching in amusement. Jenna was sitting up front in the passenger's seat, feet up on the dashboard. Chloe and Brooke were sitting in the middle with Rich sprawled across their laps, trying to escape Jake.

Jeremy opened his mouth to tell them to all just fucking sit, forgetting about his muteness for a moment.

They did all calm down, but only when Jeremy began to cough. Almost immediately, Michael was rubbing his back. 

"Anybody have water?"

Rich was moving, reaching across the seats again, grabbing a water bottle from the front. "Yeah, here - is he okay?"

Michael snatched the bottle, still rubbing Jeremy's back as he coughed. "Mhm, he's good. It'll pass."

Jeremy shot him a withering look in between coughs, and Michael just smiled a little at him.

He finally stopped, rubbing his throat, taking the water and nearly downing the entire thing. Meanwhile, Rich was climbing into the back, letting Jake sit in the middle. He plopped down on the right of Jeremy, while Michael was on the left.

"Okay, I think we're all set to go," Chloe spoke up, not looking up from her phone. Brooke was leaning over her shoulder, the two of them both looking at something. 

Christine hesitated, then turned around and started driving once Jeremy had settled down. 

"Hey, uh, Jer?"

Jeremy looked up, towards Rich.

"Just wanted to like, say sorry that all this shit happened."

Jeremy frowned, shaking his head a little, mouthing at him.  _ 'Not your fault.' _

"Feels like my fau-" Rich yelped as Michael elbowed him.

"You heard - saw the man, it's not your fault this happened." Jeremy shot him a glare.

He just giggled, eyebrows quirked. "Hey, I'm just telling the truth."

Rich leaned back, kicking his feet up across Jeremy's lap. Jeremy rolled his eyes, but didn't bother pushing him off. The ride was pretty quiet, despite the murmur of the radio. Rich finally spoke up again - he seemed to be driving the conversation at the moment.

"Y'know, I think it's so quiet because of the situation. Jeremy and Michael are the two that don't shut up and drag everyone else into the conversation. So now that they can't do that, it's quiet." He clapped a hand on Jeremy's shoulder. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to take your place, friend. You did train me well, however."

Michael snorted. "We can still make conversation. Right, Jer?"

Jeremy rolled his eyes (again), lifting his hand.  _ Y-E-A-H. _

Rich's eyes widened. "Woah, you guys actually did focus on sign language! Kind of expected you to get distracted and like, not retain any of what you learned."

_ F-U-C-K-O-F-F _

Michael giggled. "Would you like me to translate? Or at least put it a way he would understand?"

Jeremy shrugged, but nodded at the same time. Michael cleared his throat.

"Okay, so what he was saying -" He leaned forward, so he could see Rich. "Was 'fuck off'. Also," He flipped Rich off, then leaned back in his seat.

"Hey, I know the alphabet. I learned it in like, seventh grade because that was the cool thing to do then for some reason?"

Brooke piped up. "It was because of the new deaf girl. She began to teach people, and people were interested, and it was a really cool thing. She became pretty popular, but then started getting homeschooled. We're still in touch."

Christine spoke next, although she didn't move to look at them like Brooke had. "I think I remember her. Everyone wanted to be able to talk to her. I specifically remember hearing Rich talk about how he wanted to date her, and that's why he started learning."

"Wh- I did not- okay, yeah, I did, and that was kind of an assholeish reason to try and learn, just so I could date this girl, but-" He playfully punched Jeremy's arm as he began to laugh. "It's also a good skill to have!"

"You're right, it is an assholeish reason." Chloe looked up from her phone, tilting her head back. "But it's you, so I'm not surprised."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean-"

"Rich, chill." Jake shook his head, but he was smiling a little.

"Hey, I will not listen to anybody that tells me to  _ chill _ ever again." He leaned forward, hanging over the back of the seat.

"Rich, you're so lucky Brooke isn't driving, because you'd be flying out an open window right now. Sit down." Christine's voice was demanding, but Rich just stuck his tongue out, only to yelp and fall forward as they came to an abrupt stop in the empty street.

"I told you to sit."

"Fuckin'  _ hell _ , Chrissie, that was mean." He pulled himself up, scowling at Christine. He did sit down, albeit reluctantly.

"You're mean." She shot back, pulling into a parking space. "Now, are we gonna go get food or what?"

Rich was already climbing over the seats towards the now open door. "Hell yeah!"

As Michael was beginning to get out, he noticed Jeremy's hesitation.

"... You good, mahal?" He blinked at Jeremy, who was staring down at his hands. He shook his head a little.

"Jer?" Christine peered around Michael, and Jeremy took a deep breath, slowly getting out of the car. The rest of the group was waiting on the sidewalk, looking worried.

"We can order for you, bud." Jenna piped up, and Jeremy smiled a little, going to sign 'thank you' at them - only to remember that most of them wouldn't know what he meant, so he just mouthed the words.

"Can we just go, I'm starving," Rich whined, tugging on Chloe's sleeve.

"Don't ask me, it's not like I'm your mother or something. You're free to go inside without us."

He visibly tensed up. "Uh, nah, I'm good."

Jeremy wanted to ask about it, but seeing as he… well, couldn't, he figured he'd just text Rich about it later. After standing around for a few minutes, they finally went inside, although Jeremy still hung back, hesitant. Christine took his hand again, smiling at him.

Michael forced himself to look away, heading inside with the rest of them, excusing himself so he could go to the bathroom.

He stared at himself in the mirror, letting out a half-laugh, half-sob. "God, I'm such an idiot."

"Damn right you a- are you okay?"

He jumped, looking over (and down) at Rich, who was frowning. "..."

There was a moment of silence between them, and Rich seemed to realize what was happening. "Ohh… dude, you have it bad."

"Go away, let me wallow in my self-hatred in peace." Michael looked down at his hands.

"Hey, y'know, you have a chance, man. He's not straight. He's definitely not straight." Rich hopped up onto the sinks, head tilted slightly. "And everyone can see that he and Christine just aren't really… working. I'd be surprised if they lasted 'til the end of this week."

"I just feel like a shit person for hoping that he'll break up with her. I'm not a shit person, right?" He looked at Rich again.

Rich grinned. "Can confirm, you are not a shit person. You're a wonderful person, Michael Mell, and I'm glad I'm friends with you."

Michael smiled a little, and Rich hopped down from the sinks, clapping a hand on Michael's shoulder. 

"Now, I'm hungry, let's go get something to eat."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heres ANOTHER CHAPTER of oats.  
> im calling it oats for short.  
> if i ever say oats, know that im talking about this fic.  
> o a t s


	5. 5

"Richard Goranski, put down the syrup."

"Make me."

"Boys, boys. Relax. Don't play with your food."

Jeremy watched the exchange, silently giggling as Rich and Jake threatened to throw food at each other. They hadn't caused a scene  _ yet,  _ but soon enough they would. Jeremy debated on whether or not he should go to the bathroom to hide before it was too late. Brooke was trying to break up the argument, scowling. Jenna had her phone ready, prepared to take a video.

Michael pushed back in his chair. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." He sounded fine, but Jeremy noticed how tense he was, and he stood up after a moment, once Michael was already in the bathroom.

Rich and Chloe both looked at him a little funny, and Christine frowned.

"You good, Jer?"

He nodded, gesturing towards the bathroom. Rich gave him a thumbs up, then began threatening Jake again.

Jeremy slipped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He could just barely hear music, music that was cranked much too high for the earbuds being used, as if the listener wanted to block out everything else.

He peered into the stall, and Michael looked up, giving him an apologetic smile.

"People were - they were beginning to stare." He tapped his fingers on his leg to the beat of the song. "I was getting a little antsy. Sorry."

Jeremy shook his head. ' _ Not your fault.' _

Michael found himself staring at Jeremy's lips for a little too long, and he tilted his head, looking up to meet Jeremy's eyes. "I think I might be able to head back out, but… if we could leave sooner rather than later, I'd appreciate it."

Jeremy looked apologetic, gesturing to his throat. He wouldn't be able to get the message across to anybody. Michael would have to explain himself. Huh, he hadn't thought about how much he'd actually depended on Jeremy until Jeremy couldn't help him anymore. Fuck.

"Right, okay…" He sighed, standing up on slightly shaky legs. Jeremy held out his arm, offering support.

Michael shook his head. "I'm good, 'm good."

For a moment, Michael thought he saw… disappointment? Hurt? He saw  _ something  _ flash across Jeremy's face as he denied the help, but he brushed it off, and let Jeremy lead the way back to the table. Most of the others looked up at their approach, although Brooke and Jenna just continued to eat.

"Uh, do you guys think we could hurry it up and get out of here?" Wow, his voice never came out that weak and shaky.

He fidgeted with his hands as he sat down again, glancing around. It felt like everybody's eyes were on him. He was too focused on everything else in the diner to notice Jeremy giving everyone a death stare. He was thankful as everyone nodded.

"Yeah, of course."

"Mhm, I'm tired of these two already and I want to get away from them." Chloe gestured at Rich and Jake, and both gave her a look of mock hurt.

"Rude."

Jeremy could see just how uncomfortable Michael was, and so he made it a point to finish first and then stare in a disappointed manner at everyone else until they were done.  _ True friendship, acting like an old grumpy lady just to get your friend out of a fucking diner. _

"We all set?" Christine looked around the table, eyebrows quirked. A chorus of "mhm"s went around, and she nodded, looking satisfied. "Alright. I'm paying this time."

"What-"

"Absolutely not-"

"Chrissie no you aren't-"

"Like  _ hell  _ you are-"

\---

Rich sprinted down the street, Michael and Chloe hot on his tail. He'd stolen Michael's glasses and Chloe's phone, claiming that he'd needed them. He shot a snarky grin back at the two, speeding up, practically flying across the pavement-

At least, until his foot hit a crack in the sidewalk and he went crashing to the ground. He yelped as he slid against the pavement, a stinging starting up in his arms and knees (and face). He immediately looked up to make sure he hadn't broken Michael's glasses or Chloe's phone - he hadn't - and winced at the throbbing in his face.

"Rich!" The voice was dull, muffled. He shook his head, sitting up.

"Ow, fuck." He blinked, looking up at Michael and Chloe, who'd caught up to him. He held out the stolen possessions weakly, his arm drooping, and falling back to his side right after they took the items.

"Are you okay?" Michael held out his hand to help him up, but Rich just brushed it off and stood up on his own, glancing down at his scraped up knees and elbows.

"Mhm, I'm good. Stings, but that's normal. It's whatever." He winced, moving around a little.

"You sure? Man, you went  _ down. _ I don't think I've ever seen that much fear in somebody's eyes before." Michael joked, grinning down at Rich.

He snorted. "I would've gotten away with stealing your shit if it weren't for the pesky sidewalk."

He was just brushing it off. Just like he did with everything else. He always just fucking  _ brushed it off.  _ That was what he was supposed to do. Act like nothing bothered him, like he was always fine, had no problems. Suppress the anger and fear and anxiety and  _ everything.  _ The smile on his face faltered a little as he thought back to that morning.

When Chloe had snapped at him, told him to go in by himself. He fought against a shudder, remaining perfectly still. He would've shut down, in all honesty. He never had any idea what to do in a public setting,  _ alone.  _ That was why he always had somebody come with him everywhere. Like Jake. Jake was good for that. He just… wasn't used to not having a voice with him everywhere he went, something to give him instructions so he didn't royally fuck up everything. And it had worked for a while.

But now, bringing Jake everywhere didn't seem to be working. Not because Jake wasn't helping - he was, he definitely was - but Rich could  _ only  _ focus on Jake whenever he was around (he ignored how his heart pounded a little faster every time he saw Michael or Jeremy, or both together, he only liked Jake). Well, no, he  _ didn't  _ like Jake - did he?

He shook his head, snapping himself out of his thought process. Forcing a smile, looking up at Michael and Chloe, who'd both given him a… worried look.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine."

Chloe didn't look convinced, but the rest of the group caught up before she could ask him any questions. Rich noticed the expression flashing across Michael's face as he looked at Jeremy and Christine's hands, intertwined.

_ God, poor Michael. He must be so upset right now. _

He'd text him later.

"Well, now that I know what it's like to go flying through the air, I can cross one thing off my bucket list." He yawned, more as a show of boredom.

He wanted to  _ do something. _

"Where do we wanna go?" Jake piped up, and there was a lot of shrugging. He shook his head. "Indecisive teenagers." His tone was filled with mock irritation.

He was a really good actor though, Rich could say that much. He'd sit around and just watch as Jake practiced. He'd filmed a few of his best performances - if you could even call them that with one person in the room. And Jake was always too caught up in the acting to notice Rich swooning in the corner.

… Because Rich didn't swoon. Nope. No way. He did  _ not  _ harbor any romantic feelings for Jake. It was strictly platonic. Although nobody ever believed it.

Speaking of, he felt at least three pairs of eyes burning into him as they talked - he hadn't even noticed the silence until somebody was waving their hand in front of his face. He jumped, turning his head - just Jeremy. He smiled a little.

"Sorry, spaced. What's goin' on?" The smile faltered at Jeremy's… look. He knew something was up.

But nothing was up! He was fine. He was always fine. He never had any problems. Right? Because that was who he was supposed to be - the cool guy in school with no problems, no issues. The guy who was supposed to be fucking perfect.

And he went and ruined it by nearly getting people killed. He'd injured plenty, both physically and mentally - but no, he was fine. He was always fucking fine.

"We wanted to know what you thought about going to the park? Michael wants to see if there are dogs and honestly, I'm not against that idea." Christine spoke, snapping him out of his thoughts. He really needed a distraction.

"Yeah, that works."

The silence from Jeremy was unusual, despite the situation. Earlier he'd been communicating, but now he just… watched. Whatever, not his business. If Jer didn't want to talk - not like,  _ actually  _ speak - he didn't have to talk.

He did decide to try and get some interaction from the guy, though. As they started walking again, he walked backwards in front of Jeremy - he'd probably fall again, he'd cross that bridge when he got to it.

"Hey, so how's the relationship going?" That earned a silent giggle, but Rich could see the look on Jeremy's face wasn't completely sincere. Christine couldn't seem to tell, but she was also focused on Rich.

"Richard, are you trying to steal my boyfriend? We all know you like Jake, go hit on him instead." She was smiling at him, but the smile faltered as he instinctively muttered something about that not being his name.

He shook his head, grinning at Christine again. "You're an ass, Chrissie."

She just winked, and Rich spun on his heel, going up to walk with Michael.

"Hey man, you ready to be disappointed at the lack of dogs in the park at-" He checked his watch. "-ten in the morning?"

Michael snorted. "You act like you don't believe my claims that there will be dogs. Trust me - there will be dogs."

Rich shrugged. "Whatever you say, man. Personally, I like cats more, but whatever floats your boat."

Michael put a hand to his chest in mock offense. "You like  _ cats  _ more? How could you? I've been  _ betrayed. _ "

Rich knew it was a joke, but that last part… kind of cut deep. He kept himself from flinching - kept his perfect posture, still walking, not showing the pain on his face. He grinned back at Michael.

"I know, I'm awful, aren't I?" 

Michael nodded. "Mhm. You sure are."

He kept the hurt from showing on his face. He had to stop putting himself into these situations, jeez.

“I wasn’t  _ joking _ .” The words just… came out, he hadn’t meant for them to. He sped up, ahead of all the others - a few people were calling after him, but he didn’t  _ care.  _ Just like they didn’t. They didn’t care, he knew they didn’t.

He didn’t even register that Michael had caught up to him until there was a hand on his arm, dragging him to a stop.

“Let go of me.” Just… had to stay calm, handle this calmly,  _ don’t start yelling don’t start yelling. _

“Dude, what the hell, you can’t just  _ say  _ something like that and then walk off.” Michael looked… worried? Huh, Rich thought he only had it in him to be worried about  _ Jeremy. _

Damn, that was harsher and angrier than expected.

“I’m fine.”

“Uh, no, you’re really  _ not _ , I can tell.” Michael’s tone was sharper but quiet. Rich glared up at him - which didn’t really help the situation, glaring  _ up  _ at somebody was much less threatening than glaring  _ down. _

“Well, what if I don’t want to talk about it?” He snapped back - not quite yelling, but still angry.

“Then you don’t have to, but just - now we’re all worried.”

“Like  _ hell  _ you are.” He shot back, glaring.

“Dude, you’re acting… meaner than usual, seriously.”

“I’m  _ fine. _ ”

By then, everyone else had caught up. Brooke pushed the two apart, Rich had taken threatening steps forward, ready to punch him or something.

"I don't know what your problem is, but you need to not take it out on Michael." She sounded… stern. Not angry, not bitchy, not like Chloe. Kind of why Rich preferred when Chloe yelled at him. Because then he could yell back, but when it was Brooke… if he yelled back, she'd continue to scold him.

He hated that.

"I'm not taking anything out on Michael! He keeps bugging me!" His tone was loud, angry. He had managed to avoid yelling so far. Best if he kept it that way.

"You're the one saying-" Michael was cut off by coughing.

Everyone immediately looked to Jeremy, who stopped, looking satisfied.

"... Did you just fake a coughing fit to get our attention." Michael scowled. "I was legitimately worried for a second there, Jer."

He shrugged -  _ 'What was I supposed to do?' - _ and then pointed to Rich, signing something. He looked to Michael, who copied the sign, staring at his hand for a minute.

"Oh - he wants us to stop arguing." Michael took a deep breath. "Okay. Yeah. But - hear me out - I want you to talk to  _ somebody  _ later, Rich. Please."

Rich scowled at him, but there was no use in fighting about it. "Fine."

Jeremy was satisfied and found that he didn't really  _ want  _ to go to the park anymore, but everyone else was still up for it, and he couldn't… communicate his disinterest, so he just ended up following, hanging around. He was bored out of his mind and exhausted, but he stuck around. Besides, he wasn't just going to walk home. Everyone would get worried.

He noticed how weird Rich was acting after he'd had his little outburst. He was pissy around Michael, but he was… _whinier_ around Jake, more clingy and emotional than usual. And maybe even a little flirty? Not like Jeremy could tell, he was bad at this stuff.

He made a mental note to text Rich about that later too.

"Hey, Jer!" Michael's voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

He looked up, blinking at Michael, who was grinning. "I showed everyone the shit we learned last night."

His eyes lit up.  _ N-I-C-E.  _ He genuinely looked excited, glad that they were all making an effort to try and learn. Just so they could talk to him again.

Shit, he hadn't noticed he'd started crying. Michael jumped in alarm at the tears rolling down Jeremy's cheeks, and he took a hesitant step forward - but Jer had the  _ biggest  _ smile on his face, and Michael grinned back, giggling a little. They stared at each other for a moment, only for Jeremy to break the stare by rushing forward and dragging Michael into a hug, burying his face in the hoodie, laughing and crying all at once - God, he was so fucking  _ happy _ , things were going to be  _ okay  _ for the first time in a long time.

"We're gonna be okay," Michael whispered, hugging Jeremy tighter. "We're gonna be  _ okay _ ."

\---

[rich] so hey

[rich] i wanna talk to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is cacowhistle.tumblr.com!


	6. 6

[rich] so hey

[rich] i wanna talk to you

[jeremy] uh, ok

[jeremy] about…?

[rich] god, i dont know. fuckin everything, man.

[rich] its just.

[rich] life is a disaster?? u feel?? u get what i mean.

[rich] after the whole

[jeremy] oh

[jeremy] yeah, I get it. is there… anything specific you wanna talk about, or…?

[rich] yes

[rich] i think

[rich] i dont know

[rich] i never /know/ anymore

[rich] im always so indecisive and dependent on other peoples decisions

[rich] like i cant think for myself anymore

[rich] ugh

[jeremy] oh. I find myself doing that too, sometimes. so don't worry about it too much.

[jeremy] it's something we gotta fix, yeah, but it'll take time.

[jeremy] I guess.

[rich] no yeah ur exactly right

[rich] im just

[rich] ugh

Jeremy sat back, laying on his bed, the fan in the corner rotating. Humming,  _ loudly _ , drowning out most other sounds. God, he hated that thing.

[rich] its so quiet

[rich] jake left to go do something and i hate the quiet so much

[rich] bc then memories of his voice start pouring in

[rich] eugh

[jeremy] that's why I always have the fan on in my room

[jeremy] some sort of white noise to block out everything else

[jeremy] it's like

[jeremy] oddly comforting

[rich] just turned on the tv

[rich] but the thing is i  _ need  _ the sound but i cant  _ stand  _ the sound

[rich] i dont know whats wrong with me

[jeremy] dude maybe you're just using the wrong sound

[rich] lmao probably

[rich] gonna go pick another sound

[rich] from only the finest of soundboards

[rich] sound trees

[rich] sound

[rich] somethings

[jeremy] wait hang on I have just the thing for you.

[jeremy] https://mynoise.net/noiseMachines.php

[jeremy] use that site

[rich] oh dude ive been looking for this site for for-fucking-ever holy shit thanks

[rich] i used to put it on at night when i couldnt sleep

[rich] huh

[rich] its morbidly funny that the ones i would use the most were 'fireplace' and 'sleeping dragon'

[rich] haha wow foreshadowing in my life much??

[jeremy] are you okay?

[rich] uhhhh what

[jeremy] are you okay. you've been acting weird all day.

[rich]  _ (draft) yea im fine why (draft deleted) _

[rich] no.

[rich] im not.

[rich] but i dont know what my problem is, and its pissing me off even more, and i cant do anything about it.

[jeremy] do you wanna try talking about it?

[jeremy] maybe we can figure this out together

[rich] god, i dont

[rich] where would i even start???

Jeremy sighed, rolling over onto his stomach.

[jeremy] I'd say the beginning, but we don't really want to go back to freshman year, I'm assuming??

[rich] yea no absolutely not we arent going to speak of that

[rich] id say lets avoid squips in general but

[rich] its literally the cause of all this shit

[rich] im just

[rich] so fucking tired

[rich] and ive been holding in emotions n' shit for a while now

[rich] i havent shared my feelings with  _ anybody  _ in the past

[rich] uh

[rich] oh god

[rich] i cant remember the last time i did have a conversation about my feelings and emotions

[rich] WELL lets just say it was a while ago and i know this is unhealthy but i cant bring myself to talk about shit??

[rich] honestly i wouldnt be doing this if i didnt know that mell would slaughter me otherwise

[jeremy] sounds about right

[rich] ha

[rich] ok so can u believe that the squip gave me social anxiety, goddamn, fuck that thing.

[jeremy] wow, almost as if we experienced the same damn thing right.

[rich] it's so fucked up that we can talk about this?? like??

[rich] haha holy shit im an awful person

[jeremy] what no. you were saying that earlier too. stop.

[rich] jeremy i nearly killed people.

[rich] i practically forced you into this hell with me, too

[jeremy] uh, no, i chose to take it.

[jeremy] it's not your fault that I was being a dumbass

[rich] i couldve avoided all of this had i just ignored the damn thing

[jeremy] … would it  _ let  _ you ignore it?

[rich] uh, on occasion ig. why?

[jeremy] mine wouldn't. I'd suggest a different plan and then I'd be lying on the floor for at least ten minutes as he fucking electrocuted me

[jeremy] I couldn't do anything but listen

[rich] holy shit

[rich] i didnt

[rich] he didnt do that to me

He traced the straight, thin scar running down his arm, spreading like a spiderweb across his hand, down to his fingertips.

[jeremy] did he do anything to you?

[rich] other than emotionally beat me down?? if i really pissed him off he'd make me feel hunger. like the 'im going to die if i dont eat something right now' hunger. it hurt?? a lot?? he’d make me bleed sometimes too. scratch up my arms n’ back and stuff. fuck that guy

[rich] but in comparison, your "punishments" were a lot worse holy fuck

[jeremy] hey, both punishments were awful and these things are awful and basically everything about it was awful

[rich] yeah, p much sums it up

[rich] and like i dont want to make it sound like i had it worse but

[rich] a few years vs a few months

[jeremy] no you definitely had it worse

[jeremy] trust me

[rich] oh good u dont hate me for saying that

[rich] i just feel like

[rich] yeah u had it for a while too but like

[rich] nobody else had it as long as me

[jeremy] i get that

[jeremy] i really do, man

[jeremy] hey, i also noticed that earlier you were acting weird

[rich] ??

[jeremy] around jake

[rich] OH

[rich] wow can u believe that i have to GO

[jeremy] nononono wait we don't have to talk about it

[rich]  _ (draft)  _ i think i  _ (draft deleted) _

[rich] i dont know

[rich] i dont know why im acting weird around him

Jeremy drummed his fingers against the bed, staring at his phone. Rich was lying.

[jeremy] yes you do

[jeremy] come on tell me

[rich] i

[rich] >:( ur mean

[jeremy] :P tell me

[rich] ok fine

[rich] i think its

[rich] i think its because i like him??

[rich] fuck thats

[rich] i

[jeremy] called it

[rich] wh

[jeremy] michael owes me five bucks now

[rich] what

[rich] were u two betting on this shit

[jeremy] yes that is exactly what we were doing

[rich] gay

[jeremy] what

[jeremy] rich wth

[rich] i said gay

[rich] thats gay

[jeremy] you're the one who's bisexual

[rich] oh and you arent

[jeremy] i'm not!

[rich] come back to me in a week and tell me that

[rich] hey hows christine btw??

[jeremy] uh

[jeremy] well

He sighed, leaning his head back.

[jeremy] we broke up

[rich] oh damn

[rich] sorry man

[jeremy] no it's fine we just

[jeremy] weren't really working, y'know??

[rich] have you told michael??

[jeremy] not yet it happened like half an hour ago??

[jeremy] i'm gonna text him though

[rich] dude stop talking to me and text michael

[jeremy] ughhhh fine

He shook his head a little, texting Michael.

[jeremy] hey asshole

[michael] whats up hetero

[jeremy] is

[jeremy] is that how you're gonna walk into rooms now

[michael] absolutely

[michael] ill come in on heelies

[michael] do finger guns

[michael] "sup heteros"

[jeremy] rich would be offended

[michael] im doin it next time i go into a room

[michael] anyways What Is Up my dude

[michael] my pal

[michael] my friendo

[michael] my mahal

[jeremy] uh well i

[jeremy] sort of broke up with christine

[michael] awwwww sorry man

[michael] u want me to come over

[michael] comfort u

[michael] tell u that youll find someone else

[jeremy] nah i'm good

[jeremy] just had to let you know i guess

[jeremy] rich convinced me to tell you somehow

[michael] let me guess

[michael] he went "go tell michael" and you just went "ok"

[jeremy] yea p much

[michael] i swear

[michael] youre always listening to rich

[michael] why is that

[michael] hmmm

[jeremy] what are you doing

[michael] hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[jeremy] stop “hm”ing for one second

[michael]  _ hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm _

[jeremy] michael.

[michael] jeremy.

[jeremy] i hate youuuu

[michael] i hate u toooooo

[jeremy] okay i’m

[jeremy] basically chrissie and i just

[jeremy] aren’t working?

[jeremy] it’s not really a big deal

[jeremy] i think we’re both kind of relieved, actually?

[michael] oh?

[michael] why??

[jeremy] just. before it could get any worse, or something? idk.

[michael] do i need to come over

[michael] i have ice cream

[jeremy] um hell yes

[jeremy] we’re watching a movie

[jeremy] any suggestions

[michael] nah u pick im bad at decisions

[jeremy] dude if you tell me to pick i’ll pick some sad one

[jeremy] as always

[michael] ill just bring tissues then

[jeremy] fair enough

[jeremy] but seriously i’m bored and lonely

[michael] invite rich and jake, too

[michael] might as well have a movie night with all the guys

[jeremy] sure, i’ll text rich now

He went back to the previous conversation. Rich had left texts.

[rich] whats he sayin

[rich] jer

[rich] jeeeeeer

[rich] jeremiahhhhh

[jeremy] i’m here

[jeremy] we’re gonna watch a movie

[jeremy] why don’t you and jake come over and watch it with us

[rich] dude hell yes im gonna get jake now

[rich] ill see u in a few

[rich] … maybe we can talk a little more in person?

[jeremy] yeah. of course.

[jeremy] ok they have been invited

[michael] sweet

[michael] im on my way with the ice cream and i found popcorn too so that works

[jeremy] nice

[jeremy] ok im gonna go get netflix ready

[jeremy] see if it actually works

[michael] alrighty. ill be there soon!!

Jeremy stood, stretching. Well, now he had something to do, to keep his brain occupied. To block out that voice, hissing in the back of his head. Telling him of all the things he’d lost, other than his voice.  _ It was fine, he was fine. _

He’d be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh find me on tumblr @ cacowhistle.tumblr.com wooooo


	7. 7.

"Hey, Jer, can I borrow you for a sec?"

Rich's voice rung out in the silence, and Jeremy looked up from what he was doing, nodding. He glanced at Michael, signing.  _ K-E-E-P going. _

They'd been working on other random words while they waited for Rich and Jake to arrive, and now Michael was furiously repeating them, muttering the words under his breath as he did. Jeremy was so glad that he was putting this much effort in just to help  _ him  _ of all the people he could help.

He followed Rich into his own bedroom, and Rich sat down on Jeremy's bed, eyebrows raising. "I feel like we didn't cover everything earlier."

Jeremy opened his mouth to respond, then snapped it closed again, tilting his head, signing and fingerspelling.  _ What do you mean? _

"I just - I dunno. We just kind of said that it was shitty, and told each other about everything - hey, I don't mean to pry, or whatever, but…" He paused. "Can I see the scars on your back?"

Jeremy froze, his breath hitching.

"Shit - sorry, I didn't - it's fine, you don't have to-" Jeremy shushed him, staring down at his hands for a minute before taking off his shirt, turning so Rich could see the scars.

Rich stood up, staring. "Holy shit." He took a step forward, one hand reaching forward. "Can I…?"

Jeremy nodded a little bit, shivering as Rich's hand traced the scar running down his spine. He knew how awful it looked - straight lines webbing across his entire back, down his arms and up the back of his neck.

"Dude." Rich breathed, eyes scanning his back. " _ Dude _ . This is - awful, I'm gonna fuckin' kill that thing."

Jeremy raised his eyebrows, and Rich rolled his eyes. "I'll kill it again."

Jeremy snorted, pulling his shirt back on. He turned to Rich, nodding to him. Rich frowned.

"You sure? My back's… pretty fucked up, man, I don't-" Jeremy shushed him again, nodding to his back again.

Rich stared at him for a moment, then nodded. "Okay. Yeah." He pulled off his shirt, twisting to look at his back - covered in burn scars and more. It was like his back had been torn to shreds by a bear multiple times, and somehow had healed correctly.

Jeremy inhaled sharply, and Rich winced, pulling his shirt back on. "Yeah. It. Tore up my back. A lot. But it's - it's fine, man. It's fine now."

Jeremy opened his mouth, some weak noise coming from it - and his hand flew to his throat as his eyes widened.

He'd made a sound.

Rich stared at him. "Did you just-"

He opened his mouth, eyebrows furrowing, and he tried to speak again - a hiss of air coming out instead. He began to cough again, and Rich helped him sit down so he could ride out the fit.

"Dude, you managed to make a sound - that's progress! This means that this isn't permanent! Jeremy, that's - that's awesome!" Rich looked excited, but Jeremy just looked tired.

Rich's expression faltered. "Is it - is it not awesome?"

Jeremy shook his head, eyes brightening.  _ I-T I-S. _

He stood up, smiling at Rich - and Rich ignored how his heart just beat faster and harder at that smile. "Alright, let's go back to Michael and Jake and also tell them about what just happened."

Jeremy let Rich drag him back out to the living room, Rich's eyes bright as he yelled to Michael and Jake about how he'd made a noise, and he was snapped back into reality as Michael tossed him over his shoulder (like he had a few days prior). He grabbed Michael's hoodie, trying to hang on so he didn't fall.

Jake and Rich just watched as Michael charged around the room with Jeremy hanging on for dear life.

"Fuck yes! We're gonna fix this!" He put Jeremy down again, on the couch, and Jeremy just rolled his eyes, smiling, breathless.

"We gonna watch a movie or what?" Jake piped up, and Jeremy and Michael looked up at the two, Jeremy nodding.

"Sweet. Any requests, or should I just pick something random?" Michael quirked an eyebrow, and Jeremy snatched the remote, scrolling through Netflix for a moment before settling on a movie.

"Well fuck, do we have tissues? Because everyone's gonna cry a lot." Michael stared at the TV -  _ The Little Prince  _ \- one of Jer's favorites.

Jeremy just giggled silently, and Jake pointed to the box of tissues on the coffee table in front of them. "Those were there when we got here, so…"

"Jer, were you watching sad movies before we got here?"

He shook his head, rolling his eyes again, leaning against Michael as he sat down. Jake and Rich soon joined them, Rich kicking his feet up to rest on Jake and Jeremy's legs. Jeremy found it hard to concentrate on the movie, the only thing that he could really comprehend was Michael's heartbeat, Jake's arm around the back of the couch, his head resting against it, and Rich's bare legs across his jeans.

He found himself watching them more than the movie, but he definitely started crying at all of the sad parts, turning his head, burying his face in Michael's shoulder. Michael just snorted, rubbing his back.

"Yep, it's pretty sad, isn't it mahal?" He was teasing, and Jeremy just punched his arm, purposefully wiping tears and snot all over Michael's hoodie.

"Ew, gross - Jeremy! Why'd you do that?"

A shrug. Rich piped up. "Revenge. Duh. We're allowed to have emotions."

Jake wiped at his eyes with a snort. "Oh no, not emotions. Better do something about that."

Jeremy giggled silently, looking over at Rich and Jake fondly.

His heart skipped a beat upon his sudden realization.

Oh wow, he was  _ fucked. _

\---

[jeremy] chrissie I'm so fucked chrissie oh my god

[chrissie] ?? What's going on?

[jeremy]  _ I am so fucked _

[chrissie] Okay, deep breath. Calm down. What happened?

[jeremy] ok well it involves michael rich and jake

[jeremy]  _ oh my god im so fucked _

[chrissie] I think I know where you're going with this, but I'm still making you say it.

[jeremy] hhhh they're just all so cute? and good?

[jeremy] i think i like all of them

[jeremy] but jake is straight, i don't think rich would want to date me, and michael

[jeremy]  _ oh god michael _

[jeremy] i was so awful to him im surprised he doesn't hate me

[jeremy] he probably does hate me im just

[jeremy] he just pretends not to

[jeremy] right

[jeremy] you all know that he hates me and just wont tell me

[jeremy] im right, arent i

[chrissie] nonono jer nobody hates you you're fine

[chrissie] michael could  _ never  _ hate you, I promise.

[jeremy] you dont have to lie to me, christine

[chrissie] I'm not lying!

[chrissie] I swear I'm not lying, Jer. Michael could never hate you.

Fists curled into the blanket, and Jeremy was breathing heavily, trying to calm down. He wanted to believe that Michael didn't hate him but he couldn't bring himself to think that he didn't. If he were Michael, he'd hate him. He  _ already _ hated himself. He just tried to pretend he didn't, and maybe it would be true.

[jeremy] you dont know that

[chrissie] I  _ do  _ know that, though.

He closed his eyes - he was awful, he was  _ so so awful everyone despised him oh  _ **_god_ ** _ they all hated him. _

[chrissie] Are you okay?

[chrissie] Jeremy?

[chrissie] Jeremiah Nicholas Heere answer me.

[jeremy] go away

[chrissie] What?

[jeremy] just fuck off, christine

[chrissie] Jeremy please

[chrissie] I'm coming over there.

[chrissie] Or at the very least I'm sending someone.

[jeremy] dont

His hands were shaking. Why were his hands shaking?

… He was in control. He was able to stop the shaking. Why wouldn't it stop?

[jeremy] christine  _ dont _

[chrissie] michael is on his way

[jeremy] of all the people you send him??

[chrissie] I'm coming over too, maybe somebody else will get the message and join the party.

[jeremy] christine canigula im going to kill you

The only sound was his gasps for air, the room eerily silent. Too silent. Too tense. Like the moment before or after a shock, before it said something awful, before it told him that he was  _ terrible  _ and everything about him was  _ awful and bad and needed to be fixed. _

He couldn't breathe, couldn't hear anything other than his own gasping. He needed to  _ breathe breathe breathe please just breathe. _

He didn't hear the banging on his door, the shouting from outside. All he could hear was  _ it,  _ telling him how  _ awful  _ he was. Its voice was a low hiss, just barely audible - although right now it was the only thing discernible in his mind.

A voice broke through. ¨Jeremy!¨

His head shot up, breathing still quick and shallow. The door swung open, hitting the wall behind it - Michael had busted it open. He stared at Jeremy, and Jeremy stared back, eyes wide and glassy.

¨Jeremy, hey, it's okay, it's okay.¨ Michael rushed forward, sitting next to him on the bed. ¨Is it okay to touch you right now?¨

Jeremy shook his head, an almost sickly pale in the dim lighting. Michael nodded. ¨Right, right, okay. Want me to talk?¨

He managed a shaky nod, still gasping for air.

Michael hummed for a moment, thinking. ¨Hey, breathe with me, mahal.¨ He watched Jeremy, surprisingly calm.

Jeremy struggled to keep his breathing steady, staring at Michael as his chest heaved, trying to pull in enough air. He wanted to apologize for everything, wanted to say that he understood if Michael hated him, he understood if he never wanted to talk to him again. The words wouldn't come - of course they wouldn't, they never did anymore.

"Hey, Jer, look - look at me." Michael waved his hand in front of Jeremy's face, and Jeremy looked up at him again, motionless for a moment - and then he broke into silent sobs, burying his face in his hands, shaking.

"Jeremy,  _ please _ , it's okay, just look at me." Michael reached forward, pulling Jeremy's hands away from his face. "It's okay."

He tightened his grip on Jeremy's hands -  _ he was so cold, Jesus Christ  _ \- hoping to ground him in some way. "There you go. C'mon, look at me, mahal. You're okay."

Jeremy struggled to calm himself down, still shaking and crying silently, he just wanted things to be okay, just wanted everything to be okay. Nothing was okay anymore, though, and he couldn't do anything about it, and that was what bugged him the most.

"Hey, Jer, are you listening?"

His eyes snapped up again, and he stared at Michael, trying to focus on him. He managed a shaky nod.

"It's okay. Chrissie told me what happened, mahal. I could  _ never, ever  _ hate you. Even if I tried, I could never hate you." There was an almost… bitter smile on his face, and Jeremy flinched, trying to sign with shaky hands, pointing at Michael.

_ You should. _

Michael felt his chest tighten, and he tentatively pulled Jeremy into a hug. "No, Jer. I shouldn't hate you. You don't deserve to be hated."

_ I do. _

"Jeremy,  _ please _ ."

Michael shuddered as Jeremy continued signing with frantic, shaking hands.

_ I'm awful, I'm terrible, you should hate me. _

"Jeremy, seriously,  _ stop _ , you aren't awful, you aren't terrible." He began rubbing Jeremy's back, murmuring some hopefully comforting words to the shaking boy in his arms. "It's okay, you're okay, we all care about you, none of us could ever hate you."

Jeremy just curled his hands into fists, face buried in Michael's hoodie as he cried, his breathing irregular again.

"Mahal, come on, look at me." Michael lifted Jeremy's chin with a hand, staring down at him. "It's alright, you're alright, just breathe. In for four seconds, hold for four seconds, out for four seconds. With me, okay?" The words were quiet, almost a mumble.

Jeremy struggled for a few moments, but he did manage to breathe with Michael, steadying himself. He was exhausted, and felt like he was about to pass out. He sighed, wincing and coughing at a twinge in his throat.

"Easy, Jer. Lay down, mahal."

He did, and Michael laid beside him - allowing him to latch onto Michael's arm.

"I'll be here all night."


	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for some transphobia (deadnaming someone), I'll put a brief summary at the end of the chapter if you don't want to read, just in case :0

He hadn't expected to lay in bed for half of the day, clinging to Michael's arm and surrounded by Rich and Jake, but here he was. Half-asleep, curled against Michael's side, with his head resting against Rich's leg as he stretched out across the bed. Jake was sprawled across Michael's legs, his head on Rich's back.

They were all pretty comfy, and didn't seem to plan on moving.

"Rich, you're like a tiny dog. How do you take up half of the bed like this. I don't understand it." Michael's face was half-buried in Jeremy's hair, and he lifted his head to squint at Rich.

"Would you like me to go bark at anyone that passes by?" Rich was focused on his phone, holding it loosely in one hand, playing some game.

"I will throw something at you if you try."

Jeremy shifted a little, turning his head so he could nuzzle closer to Michael as Jake spoke. "Just promise him food. Dogs tend to shut up if there's food involved."

Rich snorted. "That's true. Also true for all of us."

Jeremy giggled silently, the laughter slowing to a stop at a twinge of pain in his throat.

_ It's nothing. It's been doing that a lot lately anyways. Why are you getting worked up? _

He blinked, looking up at the three of them, finding it difficult to push aside the uneasiness in his stomach.  _ They don't hate you, you know they don't hate you. _

"Jer? You good? You're spacin' out, mahal."

His gaze flicked to Michael, and he managed a shaky nod. Michael sat up, pulling Jeremy closer, a slight frown on his face.

_ Oh shit I fucked up, he's annoyed with me- _

"Hey, Jer, look at - Jeremy, look at me." His head snapped up again to look at Michael.

"It's okay, man. It's okay. Relax. You're okay."

Rich and Jake had gone quiet, shuffling a little closer to Jeremy, who had begun to shake. Quiet words of comfort blended together in the background, more like white noise than anything. He tried to calm down - everything was  _ fine _ , why was he still so upset? Sure, he'd had a panic attack a few hours prior, but he managed to calm down thanks to Michael and actually get some sleep, why was he suddenly panicking  _ again?  _ Not like he had a reason to, they didn't… they didn't hate him.

…  _ Right? _

He shuddered, his breathing speeding up.  _ But what if they do hate me. God, what if they're all just here because I made them come over? _

"Jeremy!"

He flinched, staring up at the three boys who'd gathered around him, all of them looking… worried? Why would Rich and Jake be worried about him? Michael, he could understand, but… why them?

"There he is." Jake mumbled, and Michael hesitated before pulling Jeremy closer again, letting him lean against his shoulder.

"Hey, mahal, you okay? You started freaking out there."

_ I'm still freaking out.  _ He shook his head, turning his head to bury his face in Michael's shoulder. Michael began to rub circles into his back, hoping it would provide some comfort.

"Just take it easy, man. You're okay."

Rich said something, but Jeremy didn't quite hear whatever it was that was said. Rich and Jake left the room, giving Michael and Jeremy some space. Which didn't really help in the slightest, and there was another twinge of pain in his throat, worse than before.

"Jer, is there any way you can tell me what's wrong?"

He was still shaking, although his thoughts were clouded and muffled.

And that thing's voice was getting louder, and  _ louder, and  _ **_louder-_ **

"Fuck off."

He froze up, as did Michael, the two of them staring at each other for a long moment.

And then Jeremy was moving without trying, shoving Michael away and standing up, face bared in a snarl, arms crossed.

"If you're not going to  _ help,  _ you might as well just leave, like Rich and Jake did. Worthless piece of shit."

Michael's breathing had sped up, and Jeremy was panicking, begging, screaming - mentally, of course. The SQUIP was the one doing all the talking.

"What are you waiting for? There's nothing here for you now,  _ Abigail.  _ So just go, get out of here, before I drag you out the door myself."

Michael sat there, almost as if he were in a daze, mouth opening and closing, but no words coming out. He finally managed to stammer out a response. "Th-that's - that's not - not my name-"

"Oh  _ really _ , it isn't? Quit  _ lying  _ to yourself, it'd be better if you did-"

He managed to stop talking, one hand against his throat, desperately fighting for control over his actions.

"N-no, I'm -  _ that's not my fucking name _ -"

"You're fucking delusional. You keep saying it's not your name, but you still respond to it. You still associate it with yourself. And everyone else does, too. You know that. So why are you still trying to keep up this lie?" Jeremy flinched at his own words - well, they weren't actually his words, but… they came from him, so....

"J-Jer, what - what's your problem? What the  _ fuck _ ? You can't talk for like a - a week straight, and - and then suddenly you're just -  _ spewing bullshit  _ at me?" Michael had stood up, taking a threatening step forward.

"It's not m-" His breath hitched at a shock down his spine.

Michael watched him expectantly, eyes dark - tears falling down his cheeks.

He'd made Michael  _ cry. _

Caught off guard, his SQUIP seized the opportunity. "Get the fuck out of my house,  _ Abigail. _ And drag those two fuckers out of here as well."

He shoved Michael towards the door, everything about him stiff and angry - except for his eyes. He was practically begging Michael to not go,  _ don't just leave me here with it. _

Michael stumbled out the door, slamming it shut behind him, either out of terror or anger, or some mix of the two. The force seemed to make the house shake, and his hand stung from the impact of hitting it.

He slumped against the door, silent for a moment - at least, until he let out a broken, terrified sob into his hands, shaking like a leaf. He could hear the faintest whimpers behind the closed door, and he flinched away from it. He didn't notice Rich and Jake coming up the stairs, or the concern in their expressions - he was too focused on the pained sounds from inside the room.

"-ichael! Michael, dude, what the fuck is going on?"

His head snapped up to look at Rich, and he gripped the hem of his hoodie in hopes of calming his shaky hands. He tried to stutter out some sort of response, but was unable to, his thoughts swirling. Everything about him felt  _ wrong  _ and  _ bad  _ and he started crying again, arms wrapped tight around his knees, pulled close against his chest.

"Michael, look at us, c'mon man, we don't know what's going on, you gotta help us." Jake's tone was getting more panicked by the second, and Michael managed a response this time.

"J-Jer - he - he - S-SQUIP-"

That was all Rich needed to hear. He gently moved Michael out of the way, telling Jake to stay with Michael as he ran down the stairs, digging through the fridge for a moment before bringing out a bottle of Mountain Dew Red and sprinting back up the stairs.

"If anything happens, grab Michael and run, okay? Like if I suddenly turn on you guys, get outta here and let everybody else know." He took a deep breath then swung open the door, greeted by the sight of Jeremy curled up on his bed, trembling. He didn't bother to shut the door, practically sprinting to Jeremy's side.

"Jer, hey, buddy, look at me."

He lifted his head, eyes landing on the Mountain Dew Red Rich held in one hand. He managed to sit up, weakly reaching for it. Rich handed it over, sitting down on the bed next to him as he nearly downed the entire bottle. He flinched at the whines of pain coming from the pale boy in front of him, clutching at his head.

"You're okay, you're okay. Just breathe, man. Just breathe." He put a hand on Jeremy's back, hoping to provide some comfort.

He glanced into the hall to check on Michael and Jake - Michael was buried in a hug from Jake. So they were doing… okay.

He returned his attention to Jeremy, who was shaking and staring at his hands, gasping for air.

"Hey, hey - c'mon, Jer. Breathe with me."  _ Fuck, what the hell do I do? _

He managed to get Jeremy's breathing steady, and he took his hands in his own, breath hitching at how his heart pounded when Jeremy met his eyes. He'd focus on those feelings later, he had to make sure Jeremy was okay. 

"You good? I don't know what happened, but Michael said your SQUIP did something?" Rich winced as Jeremy flinched at the words.

He managed a slow nod, gesturing to his throat and then signing with a shaky hand.  _ M-E-A-N. _

"... it said mean things?" He spoke slowly, as if Jeremy were a frightened animal - which it certainly seemed like it, he looked like a deer in the headlights.

Another slow nod, and Rich sighed, running a hand through his hair, noticing how his other hand was still in Jeremy's grasp. He couldn't help the tiny blush that rose in his cheeks, and he looked into the hall again.

"Okay. Uh. That's bad. That's really bad. That it can do that. Did you - were there any signs beforehand?" He tried to keep his tone calm, but the panic in his eyes was clear as day.

Jeremy put a hand to his throat, signing with the other hand.  _ H-U-R-T. _

"Your throat hurt?" Rich furrowed his eyebrows, frowning.

Jeremy dug a finger into the side of his neck - and Rich took a moment to figure out what he meant. The whole being unable to talk thing made this all really difficult.

"Like, a stabbing pain?" A nod. "Like a long, drawn out pain, or… no, okay. So it was like, brief stabs of pain in your throat?"

Another nod. Rich breathed out a sigh, closing his eyes for a moment. "Okay. If it ever happens again, tell us. Please. So we can avoid… this." He stood up, offering his other hand for Jeremy to take, to help him to his feet.

Jeremy stood on shaky legs, clinging to Rich like his life depended on it. Rich felt like his heart was fucking  _ shattering  _ at how terrified he looked. But they had to fix things with Michael before it got… too out of hand.

"Now, you should probably apologize to Michael, he's… pretty shaken up." 

Jeremy flinched, but nodded, slowly trailing after Rich as they left the room, and went into the hallway-

Where Jake was doing his best to comfort a silent, shaking Michael. He looked up at Rich and Jeremy with helpless eyes.

"He's pretty much completely shut down - I have no idea what to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those who decided not to read this chapter due to the tw: essentially, Jeremy's SQUIP manages to overpower him and make him say some cruel things to Michael, including deadnaming him, among other things. Rich manages to knock out the SQUIP, and Michael is pretty much unresponsive out of fear.


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is SHIT lmao and also really short?? sorry bout that

It was dead silent in the hallway.

Jeremy wanted to apologize, desperately wanted to say  _ something _ , wanted to let Michael know that it was okay, that he was okay now, that he didn't - didn't think of him as  _ Abigail _ , that Michael was  _ Michael _ , that he'd never try to say those awful things to him on purpose. Of course, he couldn't make the words come for obvious reasons. The silence was broken by a sniff, and Jeremy jumped to attention, reaching forward, hesitative and helpless in this situation. He wanted nothing more than to help Michael, but he was fairly certain his presence was doing quite the opposite at the moment.

His mind was a whirlwind of negativity, beating down on him like the sun in the summertime, blazing above him with an intensity he could never hope to beat back. He wanted to scream, or cry, or  _ something  _ \- but he had to stay calm. He had to keep calm for Michael.

He didn't seem to be able to, trembling and shuddering, twitching at every faint sensation in his spine. He knew it wasn't there, he knew it was all just made up, but he swore he could feel the occasional jolt of electricity down his spine. That, plus the thoughts beginning to pile up, was really taking its toll.

_ You're an asshole who can't fucking help his best friend of twelve years through something like this. _

Michael was still crying, but the sobs had died down into just that - crying. It wasn't necessarily  _ worse _ , but it still made Jeremy feel awful. He just sat in front of Michael, not sure of what to do. He couldn't talk, and ask if it was okay to touch Michael. He couldn't just reach forward and take his hands, or hug him, because that might make it worse. So he had to wait.

And God did he hate waiting.

"I-I'm sorry."

Jeremy jerked to attention once more, staring at Michael. What the fuck was  _ he  _ apologizing for? He tried to ask, and it took Michael much longer than usual to get the message from his signing.

"I - I dunno," His voice was more of a whine, and he turned his head, biting back a sob as tears spilled down his cheeks freely. "For like, leaving you in there alone with it? For thinking it was you for a minute? Just… for everything? For being an awful person?"

Jeremy tried to keep calm, tried not to panic.  _ You aren't an awful person.  _ Half of it was fingerspelling.

"B-but I kinda  _ am _ Jer. I've always been awful. I'm arrogant, and selfish, and cruel, and I'm just - I'm a bad person. And I'm doing it now, making it all about  _ me _ , because apparently, I need to have all the pity and attention, all the time? I - I don't -  _ fuck, Jer, why do you  _ **_deal_ ** _ with me? _ "

Jeremy placed his hand on top of Michael's, and the other boy looked up at him, still crying. And Jeremy felt his heart shatter into a million pieces at how broken and terrified Michael looked, at how badly shaken up he'd been by the whole thing. Not that Jeremy wasn't scared out of his fucking mind at the idea that that  _ thing  _ still had some power, and could still  _ use him  _ like that. He definitely was.

He blinked back the tears of frustration, trying to keep it together for Michael's sake. He couldn't start freaking out on him now.

_ I can't do anything right now. _

"Just - don't fucking  _ bother _ , Jer. I mean, it's not fine, and I know you want to apologize for something that you didn't try to do, but this isn't - you're -  _ we're  _ \- this isn't fine!"

_ Why isn't it fine? _

"I - I don't  _ know!  _ I don't know why it's not fine! It's just -  _ something is wrong,  _ and I don't know what! I know it wasn't you back there, but my - my mind can't seem to tell the difference anymore, and I have no idea if you're  _ yourself _ right now?"

Jeremy's breath hitched, and he held out his hands, as if asking for Michael to take them - to ground him. Michael stared at him for a moment, swallowing back more sobs. He weakly reached forward, taking Jeremy's hands in his own shaking ones.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - to go off like that - I didn't mean to compare you to that thing, shit, Jeremy, I'm sorry-"

Jeremy silenced him, frowning, and Michael felt his hopes plummet.  _ Fuck, he's gotta hate me now, I'm still whining like a little bitch. He had the worst of it, obviously, so why am I still whining about my problems? _

Jeremy seemed to catch on to the negative thoughts, pulling Michael closer, into a hug, rubbing his back in hopes of soothing him somehow.

That's when Michael seemed to break, sobbing into Jeremy's shirt, hanging onto him like his life depended on it - fuck, he was so, so scared. He'd never been so terrified of and so terrified for his friend at the same time. The shaking had returned full force, and he just continued to cry into Jeremy's shirt, tucked underneath Jeremy's chin as he sobbed, loud and ugly and  _ fucking selfish, he was so fucking selfish. _

One hand was carding through his hair, the other against his back, rubbing circles into it. Calm, rotating motions. Jeremy kept his breathing steady, hoping that Michael would try to match it. It proved to be a tall order, and he had to keep count.  _ In-two-three-four, hold-two-three-four, out-two-three-four. _

He wanted to speak, to comfort Michael. To tell him everything was going to be okay, to tell him that he was okay, that everything was alright.

Although he wasn't too sure of that fact anymore. It honestly felt like he was going to snap at any moment, and he desperately wanted to get away from everyone before he did freak and lose control. But he couldn't just leave them all here. He pulled out his phone, still rubbing Michael's back with one hand. He just needed an hour or so to get his shit together.

[jeremy] can you come calm him down

[jeremy] and like,  _ keep him calm _

[jeremy] while i go get my shit together so i dont fuckin

[jeremy] i dunno

[jeremy] snap at him

[rich] u ok?

[jeremy] yeah something's just  _ off _ and i need to like, take a little while to calm down

[rich] i dont want you to be alone right now

[jeremy] … that's fair

[rich] how bout this: i will take michael, and you just chill with jake for a bit

[rich] get yourself under control, don't let that piece of shit influence you any more

[rich] mk?

[jeremy] i

[jeremy] ill try, i cant promise anything, though

[rich] i know. we have more of the red if you need it

Jeremy looked up at the footsteps, Michael still clinging to him as if he were going to disappear any second now. Rich stood in silence for a moment, then walked over and knelt next to the two of them.

Jeremy pulled away, and he felt his heart shatter at the sound Michael made. He sounded so… so fucking  _ broken  _ and  _ defeated  _ and he wanted to make it  _ better _ . But he couldn't! And he wanted to scream or cry or something, he wanted to make  _ sound _ . Wanted to let Michael know that it was okay, that he was going to be back soon, that he wasn't just leaving him there. That everything was fine.

He reluctantly stepped back, allowing for Rich to take his place. 

There was a moment of hesitation, and then he was bolting down the stairs, desperate for some way to silence the thoughts pounding at him, tearing down his resolve.

He felt something grab his arm before he could leave the house, and he found himself looking up at Jake. And there was just something that made him feel…  _ safer _ ? With Jake right there. Jeremy shuddered, burying his face in the other boy's chest.

He'd talk to Michael later.


	10. 10.

[jeremy] im sorry

He was leaning against Jake on his couch, legs tucked close, head resting on Jake's shoulder. It felt so much safer than just sitting, alone. He'd later go on to blame it on the fear he'd been feeling at the time, desperate for comfort. For now, he was just going to enjoy the comfort Jake was providing.

[jeremy] im not

[jeremy] entirely sure of what you want to hear?

[michael] you

[michael] i want to hear your voice, jer

[michael] i want to hear you speak and laugh and all that shit

[michael] i want to hear  _ you _

[michael] not the squip speaking through you

[michael] just  _ you _

Jeremy was silent, as always, staring at his phone.

[jeremy] im sorry

[michael] god no don't apologize

[michael] it's not your fault

[michael] i know it wasn't you, mahal

[michael] you couldn't control it

[michael] im just really fucking worried, man, because i believed it was you for a minute

[michael] then logic hit me in the face with a brick and yea it wasn't you

Jeremy giggled silently, and Jake shifted a little. He relaxed after a moment, lifting an arm and putting it around Jeremy's shoulders. "What are you giggling at, Heere?"

It was comforting. He didn't want to move. And Jake seemed perfectly content as well. 

Jeremy just shook his head with a smile, tapping away at his phone.

[jeremy] im gonna fix it

[jeremy] not sure how, but im gonna fix it

[jeremy] he still has some control since i still can't speak, but other than that, he's helpless for a while

[jeremy] it took about a week and a half for him to get enough power to do all of that, so if I have some red at the beginning of each week, it should be okay?

[jeremy] how hard is it for you to get the stuff

[michael] uhhhh not too difficult but as time goes on it might cost a little more that's all

[michael] i don't think he'll run out of red before we can fix this but

[michael] im kinda worried

Jeremy nuzzled closer to Jake, thankful that he wasn't alone right now.

[michael] also, it, not he

[jeremy] huh

[michael] you called the squip a he

[michael] you don't usually do that. you ok?

[jeremy] not really, but im gonna have to deal

[michael] mahal, you know you can talk to me

[jeremy] i know, im just anxious, is all.

[jeremy] hey, and be honest, what does mahal actually mean?

[michael] i see u tryna change the subject, heere

[michael] it means buddy, ive said that before

[jeremy] i  _ will  _ google it if i dont get an honest answer

[michael] do u not believe me?

[jeremy] not really

He smiled a little at the screen -  _ god _ , he knew he was hopeless, he knew he was fucked over - he knew what it meant, he just needed clarification.

[jeremy] truth is, i already looked it up

[michael] shit fuck DAMMIT 

[michael] ABORT ABORT MISSION FAILED

Jeremy started to laugh again, tiny little huffs of air and his shaking form being the only indicator that he was.

[michael] hhhndngngnfngn ok

[michael] i have been waiting so fucking long for this man u have no idea

[jeremy] ???

[michael] jer im in love with you

[michael] i

[michael] i  _ have  _ been in love with you

[michael] for years

[michael] i just

[michael] i mean u don't have to like me back or anything it's okay but

[jeremy] michael slow down

[jeremy] i uh

[jeremy] first off, im bisexual, so jot that one down

[jeremy] and also, will u go out w/ me once this is all settled

Jeremy was tense - he knew the answer, he definitely knew the answer - but he was beyond worried.

[michael] holy shit absolutely

[michael] fuck im crying

[michael] FUCK rich is asking why im crying

Jeremy put his phone down, burying his smiling, blushing face in his hands. Jake shifted a little next to him.

"What's got you all excited?"

He looked up, eyes wide with excitement as he showed Jake the screen. The other boy read it over, grinning.

"Fucking  _ finally _ , Rich and I were betting on it."

Jeremy rolled his eyes, lightly punching Jake's arm.

"Hey, it was obvious. And now Rich owes me five bucks."

Jeremy just let out a tiny sigh, leaning against Jake again.

[michael] rich wants to know if we can make it a sort of double date thing

[michael] he's gonna ask out jake so don't show him ur screen

[jeremy] yea of course

[jeremy]  _ draft  _ maybe we could  _ draft deleted _

[jeremy] it'll be fun!!

[jeremy] but first we gotta get rid of keanu over here

[michael] what

[jeremy] didn't I tell u my squip is keanu reeves

[michael] WHAT

[michael] holy shit that's fucking hilarious

[jeremy] it could've been worse

[jeremy] there were like

[jeremy] other options

[michael] like??

[jeremy] none of your fucking business

Jeremy stared down at his phone, his face going red.  _ Definitely not going to share. _

[michael] was it something embarrassing

[jeremy] no

[michael] liar

[jeremy] im not lying!!

[michael] yea u are

[jeremy] am not

[michael] are too

[jeremy] am not

[michael] are too

[jeremy] am not

[michael] are too

[jeremy] fuck you

He had relaxed considerably, glad everything was alright. Although there was that familiar voice in the back of his mind, sounding suspiciously like Keanu Reeves, asking if everything really was okay - if Michael was just lying about being alright.

[jeremy] so you're really okay after earlier?

[michael] i mean im calm now

[michael] im not gonna lie, that… definitely bothered me, but

[michael] hearing that name is always gonna bother me. so.

[jeremy] i just wanna make sure you're okay, michael.

[michael] i know, i know. u care about me n shit.

[michael] seriously, don't beat urself up over this, alright?

[jeremy] okay

[michael] jeremy, im serious

[jeremy] no u aren't, ur michael.

[michael] ,,, im going to punch you next time i see you

[jeremy] sure you will

[michael] what do you doubt my punching abilities.

[jeremy] yeah, actually

[michael] wow fuck u

[jeremy]  _ draft  _ maybe later  _ draft deleted _

[jeremy] so you're okay.

[michael] oh my god, yes, im fine, i promise, u dont have to worry, it's fine, everything is fine

[jeremy] ok ok ok sorry

[jeremy] i care about you, man.

[michael] i knooooooow

[jeremy] just makin sure

[michael] rich is buggin me hold up

Jeremy leaned his head back against Jake's chest, looking up at the taller boy.

"Everything alright?"   
  
He nodded with a yawn, and Jake chuckled.

"Jer, you look exhausted."

He pouted, shaking his head. Jake laughed again.

"You can take a nap, dude. I'll wake you up if you're needed."

Jeremy considered it for a minute. He was exhausted, and he'd made up (sort of) with Michael. Nothing bad was currently happening. He could rest for a bit. Although the thought of the nightmares that were sure to come didn't really help.

He reluctantly typed out a final message to Michael for the time being.

[jeremy] im gonna take a nap, im exhausted

[michael] not without me u arent >:0

[jeremy] ??

[michael] we're comin hang on

A few minutes later, Michael entered the room with Rich close behind. He'd obviously been crying before, but he seemed better now, and he smiled a little when he saw Jeremy. He felt himself already beginning to doze off as the two settled in next to them, and Jeremy curled up next to Michael,with Rich sitting down on his other side.   
  
Jake grabbed the TV remote, putting on a movie or something. Not that Jeremy noticed, he was already fast asleep.

And he didn't even have any nightmares.


	11. Chapter 11

now i know this is literally the most annoying thing that ANY author could do on a fic, ending it in the middle with an author's note, but!!! i'm not actually ending it!!! i died for a few months but i have returned with better writing skills. i'm rewriting this entirely. so. i'll update this again when i post the rewritten version!! until then, this version of the fic is dead my dudes. sorry!

-caco

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr at either cacowhistle.tumblr.com (my main) or miichaelhere.tumblr.com (my bmc sideblog)!


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